Why am I so inclined to *not* start anything until after I move? I can't even bring myself to start packing like I've been telling myself I would, haven't thrown anything out, even. I've got so much to do, but I just can't seem to get started. I get home, get on the computer & check my normal sites, make dinner, mess around with the guitar for a couplefew hours while watching tv, and go to bed, and really, the only reason I go to bed is because I'm bored and probably should.
Called someone my realtor suggested, to get preapproved for a loan yesterday. Got a tentative response, and if this is the only thing they have to offer, I'm fucked. They won't let me buy it as a primary residence, they want to label it an income property, which needs a huge downpayment which, when combined with closing costs and the like, will require over 30% more cash at closing than I have, and I've got more than 20% to put down! For the amount that they want me to pay in cash, I could literally have bought, for cash, the second house I ever looked at. Cash. Paid off... Fuckers...
So I've been trying to decide whether my "moodiness" as I'm now calling it, is a good or a bad thing. On the one hand, I feel like I'm being a lot more open to my emotions, to experiencing both the highs and lows. I can burst into a full, loud laugh while sitting in my house watching something funny on tv, with nobody else around, and then, sometimes even within the same evening, be thoroughly depressed and discouraged with my life. This could be construed as a good thing, becuase it would mean I'm a lot more in touch with my feelings than I used to be.
On the other hand, it seems to me like I'm out of control with these emotions. I've never experienced them this way, and it seems inherently wrong to me. I've always taken after my father & his family, insomuch as I've always held my emotions in check. I was thinking earlier this morning about this - I can't pull up a memory in my head in which I can see my dad smiling. I can't even remember seeing any family pictures of him smiling. In fact, I don't recall ever seeing his teeth! God, that's both funny and sad to me... Anyway, I learned to repress my emotions from him. I feel, deep down, that allowing these highs and lows to show, is wrong, that it's not something I should do. I feel unstable when I do allow it. I feel bipolar when I allow them, so one of my questions to myself now is, what's normal? Or better yet, what's healthier? Being an even-keeled guy seems preferable to me. I know I don't dig unstable friends, but then again, I do like emotive ones, when compared to "sticks-in-the-mud". How am I to know what a good balance is between the two, especially when I have nobody (local, in-person) off which to bounce thoughts/ideas about this?
12:39 p.m. - 2009-10-07
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