Love horoscope for today...
Love
Sun Square Mercury
Sep 24, 2009 to Sep 26, 2009
You may not mean to, but you're about to attract the attention of someone who's fiery, exotic and extremely unlike anyone else you know. Lucky you!
I'm so trying to hang onto this attitude, help it "manifest" (because I sure could use meeting someone like that), but I keep getting knocked down by old, unrequited feelings that are so misplaced it's not even funny. And I can't seem to help myself either - I've tried to let go, to move on, but I keep coming back to the same thoughts, feelings. It's so frustrating... I feel like I'm in a movie, where the guy's fallen for someone he can never have, but still holds onto the hope that one day, through some miracle, some quirk of fate, it'll happen. Except this isn't a movie - it never does happen, and unlike the movies, it never will. Sort of puts a new twist on "hopeless romantic", I guess (emphasis on "hopeless")...
Any suggestions on how to get over someone, when you have nothing but positive impressions of them? I can't focus on negatives, because there aren't any, I can't seem to use the "never gonna happen" thing either, because of the aforementioned "hopeless romantic" issue. I guess the worst part for me is that, every woman I've met got held up to the "perfection" sample, and they always fell short. As long as I harbor these feelings towards her, I'm sure I'll never have a decent relationship. How could I?
Maybe that's part of my safety net - hold onto those feelings so I never have to take a chance again. I mean, if I "know" they'll never compare, then I can't be disappointed when they don't. Better yet (figuratively speaking) why even bother to try, when I know any relationship I try will never work out, due to my unrealistic expectations? Not trying is so safe, you know?
Not trying kind of leads me into another topic, too. Depression - such a cliche, such a "buzz word", such a joke. It's so trivialized anymore... I know people who will tell everyone "god I'm so depressed!" because they couldn't get out to do something with a friend, or they lost their favorite cd, or they ruined their favorite outfit, etc. I mean, the entire reason people hate "emo kidz" is because they're always lamenting their life, they're always "so depressed", and who wants to be associated with that kind of image? I keep hearing/seeing poeple say that depression's real, that it's a disease, but is it really? Or is it that we are just allowing ourselves to wallow, to lay blame elsewhere? "It's not my fault, I'm sick! I have an illness!". Really? Why not just try facing up to your issues & understanding them, so you can move on & be happy? That's what my head says to me, anyway, but then I remember that if it were that easy, I wouldn't still be struggling with believing that life is an exercise in futility, for the last several years.
That's what I see right now, what I believe... Life is pointless, why bother? But I wonder why that is? When I ask myself that question, the only thing I can come up with is, "What's the point in enjoying life, when you have nobody with whom to share your happiness?". And I seriously believe that, deep down in whatever passes as my soul these days. I can say in all honesty, I don't care what I do anymore. The only things I ever seem to look forward to, have to do with the possibility of meeting someone, and since I've already elaborated on my rationalization of why I shouldn't bother, it makes looking forward to those things seem stupid. So I try to do things I used to really enjoy anyway, in the hope that it will "bring me back". It doesn't though, it just reminds me of how much more I'd enjoy it if I had someone with me.
Now that I've droned on about insignificant things, I'll try to get back to my point... Even though I do things, nothing really matters to me anymore. I don't care. I don't *hate* doing anything, I don't *not want* to do anything, it just has no meaning. Nothing that I used to enjoy does anymore, and hasn't seemed to, for a long time. Isn't that a pretty classic definition of clinical depression? Several years ago, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. I tried a few different meds, none of which I could even stay on for more than a few weeks, due to the side effects. I saw a psychologist for a few years, and that seemed to help, mostly due to the fact that I finally had someone to whom I could open up and get honest, non-judgemental feedback. I'd still be going, if my insurance hadn't changed; Unfortunately, I can't afford it now (maybe after I get the new place I'll be able to).
My guess is that for most people, their friends are their outlet, their sounding board. I have a few friends who I'm sure would be fine with me talking about things, but because we're friends, I feel too self-conscious to do so, because it's the same shit I've been dealing with for years, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that after a while *everyone* will get to the point of saying, "god, just get over it already!" (even if they don't say it to your face). I don't want people to think that way about me, so I keep it all to myself. I'm very successful at keeping my little secret, because very few people who know me would know that I'm still dealing with this. In fact, if they don't read here, they would have no idea. I mean, I can express being bummed out to people, but it's usually only a week or so, and then I go back to acting like everything is cool.
What do I do about it? I think it all stems from "her". That would seem to present an obvious solution, yes? "Get over her, jackass!".
But what if I can't?
1:23 p.m. - 2009-09-25
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