So, she wants me to come out & visit - how do I get out of it? How do I tell her I can't, without saying why? I keep playing the "we'll see" card, but after a while, it's not going to fly anymore. Maybe I can just say I can't afford it, and leave it at that. Now that she's gone I should be fine - out of sight, out of mind & all - should make things much easier.
One of the funniest things, to me, is that even though I feel and think of myself as quite young, this weekend made me feel that life is slipping away from me. I can count the number of serious relationships I've had on both hands, and I've been around a while! ;-) People always say that you find love when you're not looking for it. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying not to look... but it's like I've been in a riptide; I was just swimming at the bouys, turned my back for five minutes, and now when I look, I can't see the shoreline, I'm adrifton the open sea, with no idea of which direction to swim. So now, I feel like my only choice is to tread water with the slim hope that someone will notice and come looking for me, all the time knowing that the most likely outcome is that I'll get too tired eventually & just slip under the surface. That's what the end of my life is going to be like when I grow old, figuratively speaking - I'm going to go out with not so much as a wimper, and not a soul will notice, until one day, weeks down the road, when my apartment starts to smell funny.
Gah, this sense of hopelessness needs to leave. Just because I can't see a way out of this right now doesn't mean there isn't a way.
I wish I actually believed that...
I'm going to go - maybe if I try to write again later, it'll be on a more positive note...
10:17 a.m. - 2009-05-18
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