i'm having a little trouble figuring out why i'm suddenly having sadness/loneliness issues. logically, i can see reasons, but they seem weak. i wasn't going to, but i think i'll just write it all out & see if something clicks, if something seems to be a trigger for it... (i'm guessing this will be a long one)
"grj" - met a guy she's really taken with. she's talked to me about him, and a couple of the things she's mentioned reminded me of how we were when we first started seeing each other. she had a "swept-off-my-feet" moment with him a couple days after starting to date him, and when she described what happened, it reminded me of the similar moment we'd shared, the kiss on her front porch. it made me happy for her, but sad for me, that i can't imagine it happening again, that i don't have that kind of connection with someone anymore. she tells me of the things they do, (nothing in detail) the way she feels, the butterfly-type moments, and i think it's really cute, because i can see the little girl in her showing through her rough & tumble facade. i'm really happy that she's found someone who makes her feel that way again, as she's been so bummed and down since moving. on the other hand, (and even though we've been over for a long time) i almost have a feeling of being replaced. hmm.. that's significant, i think, because it's come up before. (in fact, i'll be addressing that when i write about dawn)
"dex" - to be totally honest with myself, i'm not sure why i enjoy talking with her so much. part of me is altruistic, remembering a night when she'd come out to a show, and her husband ended up drinking too much & couldn't come to meet her. she was hurt, and started crying, and i pulled her aside & we talked, about why she was upset, what she was feeling, and how she needed to not hide things, needed to talk with him about her deeper feelings. i remember her smiling, tears in her eyes, thanking me for talking with her, and i think that's when i felt a bit more of a connection with her, friendship-wise. i saw her as a great gal that needed some guidance, and i guess i got a bit paternal. it happens to me more than i realize, i think. anyway, another part of me is selfish, wanting to talk with her because 1) i still find her very attractive, and find myself daydreaming about being with her, as a couple. (sans kid, of course) and 2) it boosts my self-confidence/self-esteem, knowing that such a cool, attractive woman thinks i'm worth being friends with. knowing someone like her could like someone like me makes me feel better about myself, like maybe there is hope for me after all. (we've both basically admitted in little myspace-type quizlet-bulletins, albeit a bit indirectly, that if circumstances were different, we'd likely date) of course, this also makes me sad, because 1) every time i see/talk to her, i see what it is that i'm missing, and 2) i realize again that every time i find someone i think would be great for me, they're always taken. it really seems like that to me, and that's really discouraging, because all of the good women are taken, precisely because they're a good catch. ah, well, no matter - i guess i'll just take the ego-boost, and leave the rest to the realm of fantasy.
"vivian" - moved on to date someone else so quickly after we split, that even though i wanted it to be over, it made me feel that i was inconsequential in her life, that i didn't mean very much to her, and again, that i was easily replaceable. she moved in with him, got a new job, the pet she's always wanted, etc, etc... she got a new start, in a new town, with new people; she moved on, and moved forward, and got a better life, and i feel like i'm sitting here in a hole. stuck in an endless loop of "fail", unable to take a step forward. i don't even know why i feel that way!? well, maybe i do - "TD".
i had no idea she was seeing someone, so i had no time to mentally prepare myself for the idea that she moved on, which made it seem so very fast. one day, we're married (granted, having trouble) the next day, she's with someone new, at least as i saw it. i was devastated, and unable to come to terms with it for years. i sat at home, (or in a bar) stuck in my hellish life, unable to move, to move on. she left her old life behind, forgotten and discarded in the past, moved to a new part of town, new dwelling, new furniture, new friends, new everything - a fresh start. just like vivian did, just like grj did. i guess that's a big part of my issue - i feel like the one always left behind, relegated to the past, the forgotten refuse of failed relationships. i know it's not true, but those are the thoughts/feelings i have. i want to go, to leave, to start over. i want nice things, i want a house/apt of which i can be proud, where i have no qualms about having people over. i want to start again, to have nice things, to take what i know now and do things the right way, with the hope that it would affect the other parts of my life in a positive way. i guess maybe i'm a bit resentful of them, for being able to do what i'm not, but want to. i guess maybe i feel like i'm getting cheated. i'm a good guy (i think) i treat people well, i'm helpful, and courteous, and nurturing, etc... so why is it that things don't work out for me?
you know, that's not a fair question. i have a good job with security, i have transportation, housing/food/heat, etc. i have toys, like my musical instruments, my bikes, my vintage car. i've got more than a lot of people do, but it all feels like a hollywood movie set. when standing in front of it, it looks like a real town. when you get a different perspective, walk around the back, you see it's all a facade. the stuff i have is all basically cheap junk, old and worn, coming to the end of it's useful life. that feels like me sometimes. old, worn, nearing the end of my useful life. sometimes, i feel like a knock-off, a cheap, swap-meet "rolex". i just kind of realized, this is all a validation issue. for some reason, i have this need for validation, for compassion, for someone outside of family, to really show they love me. to an extent, i get that from the few friends i have, and i appreciate that and them, but it's not the same.
the more i think about it, the more i'm convinced that i'm broken. i can see that i'm responsible for the failure of every one of my relationships. i start out either knowing i won't be opening up to the possibility of love, or i expect it to be something it's not, and then i become jaded and disillusioned with it after a while, and start to withdraw. maybe that's my issue - i don't know what love is supposed to be!? i mean, i can imagine it, i can feel it in my mind, i can remember the innocent feelings of a young heart, and want to find that again, but maybe that was all a lie? maybe it was a longing for parental love, which i never really felt. (not that they didn't show it - ma did more than dad, but still) it comes to me again, that maybe i've always had this problem. i don't remember feeling any big connection to my parents, or any family member for that matter, aside from "nyb". if it wasn't for the fact that i can empathize with everyone, and can feel other's emotions, i'd almost think that i had some kind of mild autism that kept me from forming strong family connections when i was young. heh, sometimes, i do think i'm mental... of course, maybe i was intended to be this way? maybe part of my purpose in this life relates to this emptiness somehow. sometimes, i really wish i was dense, slow, unaware, so that i could just go about my life without thinking, without dwelling, and just act, just live, and feel the joys, the pain, the ups & downs of normal life. i think i'm still afraid of that.
ok, my brain hurts. i'm going to go, before i make myself all sad & shit. btw, i've decided to stop going out again, for maybe a month or so - no drinking, no socializing. it seems my one major "addiction" is wondering what/who i'm missing when i don't go out. feeling a need to go, just in case i might meet "her". it becomes a compulsion at a point, and it turns into a downward spiral of hoping to meet her, then getting sad i didn't, then going out more "just in case tonight's the night", getting sad again, because it wasn't, and so on. it's funny, i thought i'd accepted the idea that i'll grow old and die alone, but that's obviously not true, since i keep going out to look for someone.
man, i wish my insurance hadn't changed. my counselor used to be covered 100%, but now it's only 50%, and i can't really justify/afford $50-60 to talk with him for 50 minutes. and that makes me feel very alone again, as he's the only one i've ever really felt that i could open up to, ever since i started being able to open up at all. i didn't even feel i could be totally honest with my recent ex's.
so yeah. i feel alone today. maybe i just need a good workout...
12:53 p.m. - 2009-03-02
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