I stopped by my ma's last night to have our conversation about the reasons I cut contact with her. The idea was to be explicit in my explanation (while also being tactful, obvs), but that never came about. It was a relatively pleasant interaction, and we had a wide-ranging discussion about pretty much everything but what I'd intended.
By the end of the evening, she was pushing for us to regularly get together/talk, but I spent a good 5 minutes explaining to her that I was not going to be up for that; that just sitting through last night's conversation had drained me, and I'd need time to recuperate. I did commit to contacting her in two weeks, and was very clear about how next time, the 1st thing we'd discuss was what I'd originally wanted to talk about. I said that, once she acknowledged that she clearly understood the issues I explained, we would try to schedule something more regularly (like maybe once a month to start). She was good with that, and complimented me on how direct and clear I was being, and in making sure she understood what I was saying.
She then did something at the end of the night that I'd forgotten was another big issue, but will now be added to our next conversation... I told her I needed to be going, because it was much later than I'd intended to stay. I'd been there I think 2.5 hrs, and it was 9:45p, and I was tired & needed to get to bed. She immediately tried to convince me that I should stay because she was having so much fun, and I could just sleep in tomorrow. I declined, but she kept trying to convince me, rather than just accepting what I said.
This is a common thing with her - she was a salesperson for decades, and it bleeds over into everyday life. Another example was that at one point, she tried to offer me something to eat/drink. I declined, but she spent the next few minutes suggesting 'this thing or that thing', which I continued to decline. This is one trait that drives me crazy, because to me, it shows disrespect/dismissal of my feelings/opinions, because she won't take my replies at face value & just accept them. Same as when I tried to leave - she only thinks of herself, and not the other people involved. When I give a reply to a question, I expect it to be acknowledged/respected the 1st time.
Anyway, I'm hoping that I feel up to talking to her again in a couple weeks like I committed to. As of right now, I'd prefer to not talk again, but I'm doing my utmost to give her another chance to hear me & make changes. I was very clear that, if she can't, that's up to her, as she has every right to be the person she wants to be, but that for the sake of my self-esteem & mental health, if she chooses not to (or is unable to) I would be distancing myself, for my own protection.
I really could've done with a drink after I left, but I was so wiped out that I couldn't imagine being in a social setting after that. Even though I was exhausted, I couldn't go to bed right away because my mind kept running through everything, so I stayed up another hour or so, trying to distract myself enough to where I wouldn't dwell on it once I made it to bed. I almost reached out to an online friend, but didn't want to be a burden (as I so often feel I am), and as it was so late, I thought it best not to.
Half-way through the night, my back issue flared up again. I got up to take some motrin and a muscle relaxer around 2:30-3a, then got on the floor in the spare room & worked on my hip area & along my spine to try to stop it before it got serious. I was successful, but I also lost about an hour of sleep, so I'm still not feeling great this morning.
I kind of feel like agreeing to talk with my ma again was the wrong decision, but she's getting old & starting to have health problems, and I don't want our issues to go unresolved. I'll put in the effort to ensure I've done what I can to clarify things, but that's honestly all I can do. If it were solely about me, I would've never reconnected with her, but if she were to pass without actually understanding the issues, I'd feel really guilty about it.
I feel like there's more to write, but my brain feels fried, and I can't think straight anymore.
11:26 a.m. - 2023-04-30
Recent entries:
Frustrating schedule change. - 2023-05-16
Back improvement on the cycle, PRs, and schedule change. - 2023-05-14
Compliment. - 2023-05-14
Physical Progress. - 2023-05-07
On a positive note. - 2023-05-03
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