I've realized a couple things tonight - one is, I'm putting too much effort into creating friendships where none actually belong. I've noticed it recently with Viv, GRJ, Jen (from the well), and a few other locals. We're acquaintances, nothing more. We have little in common except a shared past (or drinking), and that's not something upon which a friendship can be built.
I'm going to stop trying to force it; if people want to be my friend, they'll reach out, and I can reciprocate. If they don't, it's not a friendship I'm meant to have. Of course, I sometimes wonder if I'm meant to have any friendships, because my life is never in the same 'place' as anyone else, so how much can we have in common?
I feel a bit sad that I'm actually living up to what I realized years ago, is likely my life's purpose; I'm here to help certain people through difficult times, and then I'm meant to move on. It happens over and over, and I know it's a good thing...
Sometimes i wonder though, if there's anyone on this planet who's meant to help me through my dark time? It's been decades - there have been glimmers of hope through the years, but they always seem to fade back into reality and blend into the background. Sometimes, I truly believe that I'm only meant to help others, not to be happy; that this is my destiny. I suppose if I knew for a fact it was true, I'd be ok with it, but that damnable temptation, that glimmer of hope for more, always seems to flicker when I least expect it.I need to learn to ignore it, I think.
I'm also thinking again of discontinuing my writing here. There's no point to it anymore. I already know what I think, and I'm not really gaining anything from posting those thoughts here, and I'll likely regret posting it tomorrow anyway, as usual...
10:22 p.m. - 2021-06-16
Recent entries:
Somewhat successful evening - 2021-06-30
Interesting decision - 2021-06-29
Slight change. - 2021-06-27
Could've done without this. - 2021-06-21
Pointless day. - 2021-06-20
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