Depression is insidious - even when it's not obviously present, the apathy it creates deep inside sometimes feels impossible to overcome. I know I should be doing things for my health, or to keep busy/occupied, or to improve my social standing/situation, but most of the time I honestly don't care. I'm constantly tired, but not really as it relates to sleep; I'm tired of trying, of feeling forced to push myself to do things I really don't give a shit about, simply because 'I should'.
It's even hard to want to get out on the cycle, although I know once I'm out, it'd help me feel better. The thing is, while I'm sitting here thinking about it, I say to myself, 'where could I go that I haven't already been?' (at least within a reasonable time frame). My internal answer is always, 'Nowhere, I'm tired of all the same places, especially alone.' I haven't played my guitar in months, nor have I lifted any weights, and I've even stopped walking now, because it just bores me.
I know going out to bars/breweries isn't helping me, and I really don't want to hang out with that crowd anyway, so I'm not doing that anymore. I've tried going to places like piers along the lakeshore, but every time I do, there are crowds of stupid, maskless people & I get so turned off that I leave without even walking along them. I sometimes think of sitting outside on my patio because I do like being outdoors, but then inevitably, people will be mowing their lawn, or young kids will be laughing/screaming in that high-pitched way they do when they're overly excited, or people will be playing their stereos too loud, or the neighbors' dogs are barking constantly, ad infinitum, and I just get really disappointed, or really annoyed. Most of the nature reserves around here are packed with families of walkers/bike riders whenever I past them & the thought of having to say hi to dozens of people when I'm trying to find someplace peaceful to relax is off-putting at best.
Tonight, the weather seems to be great; it's 75°F out & sunny, really nice weather for riding, but... I just don't feel like it. I keep thinking, 'Why bother?', which is currently what I think about life.
Hrm... I just realized the problem with all of the aforementioned activities is that I'm viewing doing them as a solo thing. I can imagine I might look forward to, or even enjoy them, were I doing them with someone(s)...
2:45 p.m. - 2021-05-17
Recent entries:
Visit from Bo, and prelude to bad news. - 2021-06-02
Massage and Spine progress - 2021-05-24
Great, long ride today, and a new N/A beer - 2021-05-22
Important spinal progress - 2021-05-21
Two surprises today, and neither one bad! - 2021-05-18
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email
Random
others:
elusive-you
silver4
comebacktome
linguafranca
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
misfitstray
fairybones
annanotbob2
warpednormal
life-my-way
swordfern
kelsi
ahopeinhell
stepfordtart