You know what? I don't hate my life (at least, not at this moment). It's fine, I'm comfortable in my home, have money in the bank, etc. but I feel like I'm a big disappointment to everyone.
My family always told me that I was so smart I could do anything I wanted, which in their eyes meant getting a fancy college degree & having some kind of prestigious high-salary-earning career. They always made a point to tell me how they wish I would've done something with my intelligence, meaning 'something with my life'. Also, how they wished I'd find a girlfriend because 'you deserve to have someone'... (I won't get into the whole 'deserve' debate right now). Most of my acquaintances & friends (who ever bothered to have real conversations with me) would say I'm a great guy & they wish I would do something about finding happiness. Even my teachers in school would tell me that I had a lot of potential, if I would just apply myself.
I feel like I've spent most of my energy in this life just coping to survive, and I have, and I'm usually glad of that, but whenever I see or talk to those people again, I can practically see/hear the disappointment on their faces/in their voices. They don't understand, so they pity me; at least that's how it feels. I don't fault them for it, it's natural to feel let down by someone in whom you see unrealized potential, but it still hurts.
I think the problem is that occasionally (ok, rarely), they'll see a brief flash of the 'happy person' in me & then assume that's who I really am & that the sadness/depression is just smothering/overshadowing that happy person. I don't think they realize the the depressed person is really who I am & the happy one is only a small facet - sort of like an introvert who can have brief spells of extroversion, but then needs to recharge. (Random thought - I wonder if it's because people still see depression as an illness, and not a condition or disorder? Maybe they think it can be cured, like the flu or something?)
I've even had a couple of ex-girlfriends tell me to relax & 'just be yourself' when out/meeting people, as if I'm putting up a front, or am just 'acting' this way. To be honest, that's one of the worst (or maybe most disheartening?) pieces of advice I've ever gotten, because it meant that they really never knew or accepted the real me, at least, not all of me. I guess they only saw the parts they wanted to. I mean, we all mask to some extent, but that mask is a protective measure we use to keep from getting hurt while we search for connection. It's not a 'fake us', like some halloween costume, it's a real part of who we are, and I think for many, if not most people, it's a necessity.
I'm getting sidetracked - I guess I feel like a disappointment, because I've had so little positive affirmation. Even the women I've dated have all wished for 'more' for me in life. But you know what? The only 'more' I want is to love someone deeply, and be loved in return. I really don't need much more than that, and I don't think anyone has ever understood that about me.
And I don't know why I think writing about this is going to help at all...
11:57 p.m. - 2020-07-01
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