I think I'm not a very good 'friend'. I'm good at being supportive, helpful when people I know are struggling emotionally, but it seems like once the 'crisis' (for lack of a better word right now) is past, we no longer have much in common. Most (normal) people go through a negative experience, learn and grow from it, and move on to happier times. I do not.
The only times I really feel fulfilled or useful are either when I'm dating someone and it's going well, or when I'm having deep, meaningful conversations about life. Everything else feels like 'small-talk', even though I know that's probably not the case. But how many times can one talk about the weather, or that they've bought groceries, etc.? I think this is why I don't bother reaching out to people - I have nothing important to say that isn't a depression-based lament of some sort. Everything else seems wholly unimportant. "I cut the grass today; I drove my car today; My washing machine broke today;" - these all feel like typical, everyday things that nobody really cares about.
I wonder now if maybe the reason I'm still dealing/living with depression is so that I won't lose touch with how it feels, so that I'm able/available to help others cope when I find myself interacting with them? Most of the time, I feel like that's the only reason I'm still here. I don't think I'm cut out for love, at least in the long-term. I think my apparent ability to help people grow/progress, while being a good thing, inevitably means that the person I'm with will eventually 'outgrow' me and move on to better things. I'm not saying that that's wrong, it's probably as it should be. It just makes it hard to imagine life ever being more than it is now, no matter how much I might wish it were.
9:43 a.m. - 2020-06-30
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