Nothing is really wrong, but several little things have been bothering me enough that I'm beginning to feel a bit down again.
GRJ texted me this past week. Haven't heard from her in months, so I was surprised. I shouldn't have been - I know she only texts me when something negative happens in her world, and it was the same this time. She doesn't ever ask for my input, or even necessarily want to interact, I'm guessing she just needs to vent? I don't know why I keep her number in my phone anymore, but I imagine she'd be hurt if I didn't, so I do.
Have texted with Viv a few times in the last month, all instigated by me. She keeps saying that she'll get in touch when she's free so we can catch up, but she never does. Been expecting a text for weeks now. Again, not sure why I even try to maintain that "friendship", but I do for the same reason as mentioned above.
I stumbled upon CC's picture/profile on Bumbl3 last night, clicked 'like' even though I know she'll now ignore me again. It was my way of saying hello, because even though she's had my cell # (and email address) for ages now, she still never instigates contact either, even though she always seems to be/says she's happy to hear from me on the rare occasion I reach out to her. Why do I try with her as well? Like, seriously, what's wrong with me that I remain open to contact with people who obviously don't care enough about me to send a text even once a month or two?
Went to the out-of-town brewery last night to see my friend DJ play. He was opening for a band I didn't know. Part of me was glad to be out in the scene again, as I ran into a few people I haven't seen in years, who remember me & wanted to catch up. The other part of me realized that the live music scene just isn't my thing anymore, at least not solo, and/or not with such a large crowd being super noisy & annoying. Thinking that I might have to give up on going to see live music, or at least being a lot more selective about which shows I attend, so I don't have to deal with 'people'.
As I was leaving the show, I ran into Tay. She was sitting at a 'mak3-a-w1sh' fundraising table outside the venue with what I assumed were her ma, dad, and sibling? Anyway, she was really excited to see me & we chatted for a few minutes (I chatted a bit with the parents as well). As I was leaving, I realized that that interaction made me feel really good, maybe even a bit happy?, which is just a bit pathetic, if you ask me. Feeling happy that a recent high school graduate was happy to talk with me just seems wholly inappropriate, especially at my age. I'm disappointed in myself.
Got an email from MP on Friday, letting me know what was going on for her. She told me that she'd be checking her schedule this weekend to see when she was available so we could see each other again. This weekend was the holiday, and she'll be out of town for work for the week of July 10th, so I really am starting to wonder how much free time she really has. I knew this going in, and I acknowledge that I'd prefer seeing someone less often rather than too much, but a small part of me feels like this situation might be untenable. That's probably just due to me being in a negative headspace currently, but it's still on my mind.
For the last couple months, I've been feeling pretty positive/upbeat (for me, anyway), and I'd been really hoping I might actually meet someone, either while out on one of my weekend cycle trips, or through one of the dating sites I'm on. Hasn't happened IRL, and even though I've met a couple gals from the dating sites, that path is seeming more & more hopeless as well. I wonder if people realize how difficult it is to try to remain positive when there is so little that actually reinforces holding on to hope. I'm tired of trying to remain open to it anymore.
There's actually one more thing, but i don't have the energy to discuss it now. Suffice it to say, it's also a downer, entirely my fault, and makes me feel just as bad about myself as everything else I've written above. I'm once again revisiting the idea that I should just accept that I'll live the rest of my life growing old & dying alone. Hope is a deceitful creature, and just like with GRJ, Viv, and CC, I should cut ties with it too.
11:00 a.m. - 2023-06-18
Recent entries:
Multiple endings? - 2023-07-09
Fooling myself. - 2023-07-06
Something to ponder. - 2023-07-01
Spammers suck. - 2023-06-26
Over it, again. - 2023-06-21
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