I didn't realize until this afternoon that tonight was the next virtual Japanese conversation group, and I wasn't mentally prepared for it. Like last time, I forced myself to attend, and managed to make it through to the end of the breakout groups (I was again in the beginner group), but my social anxiety was through the roof. My face was red & flushed throughout the meeting, and I had massive amounts of trouble trying to pull up Japanese words for responses (so I rarely responded in Japanese), and I even struggled to understand what was being said much of the time because my brain felt overloaded.
I signed off early, about 10 minutes ago, and my face is still hot & my pulse is still elevated. I don't know if I can handle attending it anymore. On top of feeling so anxious & self-conscious tonight, it's been making me feel like I'm an idiot & don't know anything, and the last two years of online study were worthless.
I'll probably keep up the online learning (because it would be a shame to waste it), but I'm feeling really discouraged/defeated about it, and very down on myself right now.
5:58 p.m. - 2023-03-03
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