I realized something while sleeping last night/this morning... I've never had a 'best friend', not in the traditional sense. There was a guy I hung out with from the time I was 5 until I was 18 or so, but hanging out was all that was, and I'm pretty sure his mom put him up to it when we were young. Anyway, we never talked about anything beyond small-talk.
Now that I think about it, I didn't have any friends growing up.The neighborhood kids made fun of me, even stole & vandalized my bike at one point & left it to rot out in the woods. My best childhood memories are all of me being alone; spending the day up a tree, or in my basement, or in my room, or in my yard, doing things on my own. I remember the neighborhood kids, but only from a distance. We interacted, but it feels like it was always short, disconnected.
A couple of months ago now (at least, I think that's when?) I stumbled across a Japanese 'slice of life' anime that really struck a chord with me. Since then, I've been watching more of them; some ridiculously campy, some a bit risque, some very, very dark/sad... One thing I've noticed about all of them was that there was always a kind of interconnectedness between the main characters. There was always a few good stand-by friends, a best friend, a love triangle (or more), emotional self-sacrifice/altruism, mutual support, a bunch of awkwardness and emotional turmoil that ultimately gets resolved to a certain extent, and there always seems to be an awakening of sorts, a little glimpse of positive possibilities for the future. I've been captivated by it, because it's feels so real, but at the same time unrecognizable. I find myself wishing I'd grown up that way, surrounded by friends, people who really knew me, maybe even liked me. I even envy the characters who've gone through emotional trauma/physical abuse, not because of that (although partially because I identify with it), but because they eventually see their way past it, and grow beyond it, and find hope to move forward.
One of the entries I'd written and deleted a while back basically said that I've cried more in the last few weeks than I have in the last couple years. I did again last night, even hours after the show was over. I'm trying to not be embarrassed by that; I'm trying to accept that it's ok to cry. I can count on one hand, the times in my adult life that I've cried in front of someone else, so I think it's a positive sign that, in the last few weeks, I've found that I no longer stop myself & look around to see if anyone saw me (yes, I've actually looked around the room in my own house to see if anyone saw me - stupid, right?). I'm actually starting to allow myself to cry when I feel it, for the most part (my gut reaction is still to repress it though), which I hope is a step in the right direction. Maybe it's the first few bricks coming down from the wall I've built around my emotions. I only wonder which will come 1st; the wall coming down enough to actually be helpful, or the end of my life.
...I can't decide whether to post this or not.
1:51 p.m. - 2020-05-30
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