When I initially contacted the woman at the local college about the Japanese program/language exchange, I also signed up for an online 'Virtual Japanese Conversation Table', which was being held over Zoom, the 1st Friday of every month. I'd forgotten about it, but got an email reminder the day before.
Now, I've never been a fan of in-person conversation, unless I'm already close with the person (I'm at my best in emails, where I have time to think/compose my words properly), but of the main options (text, email, IMs, phone call, video call), the latter is and always has been the most anxiety-inducing. So much so that I haven't done it since shortly after my divorce was final. Anyway, I did something yesterday that I haven't done in (as far as I can recall) 20+ years. I actually got my laptop set up, and called in to a video conference!
When I signed in, there were 23 people in the chat room, many of whom were speaking fluent, or at least advanced Japanese, and I couldn't follow it. I panicked a bit, and logged out right away. Almost immediately though, I convinced myself to sign back in, because I told myself I'd never know what it was all about if I didn't at least try to stick it out. I did, and eventually, they set up 'breakout' rooms - two beginners, one intermediate, and one advanced. I chose the beginners group with the woman I contacted, who was leading it. There were only six of us, and though a couple were fairly good, there were a few who were below my level, so I didn't feel too out-of-place.
i won't go into details on what we discussed, but I was torn... when it came to speaking, I was definitely in the right group, but I actually understood more than the host expected. I was able to reply to questions posed in Japanese, but I replied in English. We did go through a few simple Japanese phrases, and everyone would repeat it, or we would do our best to reply, using the phrase as best we could.
There were a couple people from Oklahoma, Michigan, Alabama/Georgia (I think), and one or two others I can't remember now, but I thought it was cool that it was a national event. It was put on through some East-Coast college i can't recall either! *rollseyes*
Anyway, I felt pretty good about myself after sticking it out & getting to talk a bit, like I overcame something fairly big for me. i think I'll feel a little more at ease next time, even though it'll likely be all new people.
The funny thing about me, and about me feeling good about myself? It always makes me sad soon after, because when I'm feeling good, I want to talk to people, but have no one with whom to do so. I took the cycle out this evening after my workout & stopped off for a pizza, which meant I got to talk to the staff I know. Honestly though, that's just not the kind of conversation I need. It's pleasant, but all superficial. Hrm... Maybe I'm downplaying it because I really just want to feel close to someone? To have important, intimate, personal, *real* conversations with someone I truly like?
I almost have to laugh... everything always seems to come back to me lamenting how alone I feel, doesn't it? Talking about it isn't going to help, but truthfully, not talking about it won't help either. I actually have a lot to say about how I've been feeling the last several months, but I know there's no point in doing so. It's nothing I haven't written before, so why bother?
I want a hug. Feel free to stop by if you're in the area! ;-)
8:04 p.m. - 2023-02-04
Recent entries:
Self-delusion. - 2023-02-18
Past. - 2023-02-17
Association - 2023-02-14
Empty - 2023-02-10
Snapshot - 2023-02-09
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