I woke up entirely too early this morning, partially due to back pain, and partially due to dreams. Not sure what brought it on (I'm actually feeling alright), but last night, during one segment of several dream sequences, I recalled a situation back in high school while I was working backstage on one of our musical productions. Due to a comment I'd made after being criticized or put down in some way (I assume), I got yelled at by a girl who, with tears in her eyes, told me not to joke about suicide, implied that she'd been through something similar with a friend, and that I should either just do it or shut up about it (obviously paraphrased, as it's been decades).
1st, I don't think I'd realized that my suicidal ideation went back so far. I think I was 15-16 yrs old at the time? 2nd, I think this is when I solidified the idea of hiding my feelings from everyone (or at least, not verbalize them). I never brought it up again for the rest of my high school career; I don't think I verbally expressed it again until my divorce, but I guess this is beside the point.
I was thinking how much better certain parts of society are getting at accepting people for being different/neuro-atypical, but I find myself wishing it was the same for people with C-PTSD, BPD, and/or clinical depression. I wonder if it's because people think these are things that can be 'fixed' or cured with therapy/medications, or if it's because suicidal ideation is a common thing with these groups, and most of society is so afraid of death that they can't handle/don't know how to act around people who seem so 'at ease' with it. Maybe it's because they've lost someone, and don't want to risk going through it again? I can't fault anyone for that.
Not sure what I'm getting at, aside from the thought that I wish people could just accept me as I am, rather than my feeling that I have to change/hide something about myself that seems to be a fundamental trait, just to be able to make/have friends so that maybe I can eventually find some happiness in life.
I am who I am - an ASD guy who's had C-PTSD and clinical depression all my life - but that's not all I am. I just wish most people could see beyond these things (or I knew how to present myself so that these weren't so much of an issue?). I'm really tired of trying, unsuccessfully, to change.
5:59 a.m. - 2021-11-24
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