It feels like I've been doing fairly well mentally for a while now, but it's so easy to fall back into the same old negative thought patterns. I don't know if it's my subconscious mind or what, but I've been feeling a strong desire for female company recently (dating or otherwise, honestly, but mostly dating). It's got me feeling apathetic at best, and discouraged at the futility of actually thinking I could ever find someone again, at worst.
I don't have many reliable coping mechanisms for dealing with depression; drinking can alleviate the symptoms & runaway negative thoughts for a short while, but I'm not really interested in that currently. Cycle rides or road trips can do the same, but it's cold & the roads have been salted for ice, so the Indian can't be taken out, and I haven't gotten the winter tires on the car yet, so it's not safe to drive any distance. Talking with people can sometimes help too, but so many times, I get this short glimpse or impression, a reflection of my repeated negativity as I imagine it's seen through the eyes of the ones with whom I'm talking, and I feel a bit ashamed that I still can't 'get over it' after this many years. I also feel like am imposition or a drag on their otherwise reasonably happy lives, and then I feel like isolating myself, keeping my negativity from burdening them with either worry/concern, or with the frustration of what I'm sure seems to them like a desire to stay miserable in spite of their support.
I'm not actually going anywhere with this - it's essentially just a 'brain-dump', and means nothing in the grand scheme of things. (which is sort of the way I feel about my life currently).
10:10 a.m. - 2021-11-15
Recent entries:
Gibran quote. - 2021-11-23
Once I stop working, that is. - 2021-11-21
Another minor setback. - 2021-11-20
Never comes the day - 2021-11-18
Pseudo-life. - 2021-11-16
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