1st, thanks for the notes, they were a welcome sight! I also got a text from GRJ, which was nice. Ok, on with the entry...
Something occurred to me the other day, related to the way my mind works, and the post I made about not 'dwelling' on negativity. I know that my mind is very susceptible to whatever topic is currently my focus. I'm easily swayed - it's like my mind latches onto something and then craves more of the same? When I'm learning something new, I can only focus on that thing, until I have a reasonable grasp of how it works, and a reasonable proficiency at performing it, after which point I tend to get a bit bored & my interest wanes. I guess it's a part of my 'hyper-focus'? Anyway, I've noticed that this also applies to emotional content. (I was going to try to explain, but it got too long, so...)
Anyway, the gist of it is this; most of the recommendations I hear/see regarding healing emotional traumas has to do with exploring those emotions, externally expressing them, and working through the built-up, suppressed energy within you in order to release/resolve that energy. I suppose this works for a lot of people, but I've been doing that for literally decades, and what I noticed is that the more I focus on it and try to mentally understand/rationalize it (or to re-experience it as a form of catharsis), the more entrenched it seems to become, and the stronger those emotions become, until I begin the downward spiral back into depression. What this tells me (right now, anyway) is that trying to use these most common methods of addressing emotional issues is likely not right for me, and I need to find another way.
What to do about this? I think I need to see other possibilities, other futures that don't involve me being alone for the rest of my life. The thoughts I have about reaching FI and moving to/living in other parts of the country (or other countries) for extended periods are something that seem to allow me to get outside of the hopelessness I feel in my current locale. I don't see much of a future in this area for me, based on what I know of the mindset of most of the population (and to be honest, I'm fairly tired of Americans in general, at least, the type I know in the midwest).
As an aside, although I only restarted my workouts less than a month ago (after having done absolutely nothing for over 5 weeks), I managed to get a 1-rep deadlift of 315lbs (142.9kg). I haven't tried to really push anything else because I'm trying to take it easy to grow rather than gain strength, but deadlift has always been my best event, and it's good to know I can still do it fairly well!
(and in case you want to see some *incredible* deadlifters, here's a video. To quote the legendary J0n P4ul S1gmarsson (12 seconds into the vid), "There's no reason to be alive if you can't do deadlift!"
I'll never be that good, but it sure is motivating!
6:46 p.m. - 2020-12-26
Recent entries:
Free online courses. - 2021-01-03
Old School. - 2021-01-01
New Intentions. - 2021-01-01
NYE quandry - 2020-12-31
Frivolous new purchase! - 2020-12-30
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