Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've had in years. I mentioned that my sis is pregnant, but it took them a long time, and they finally had to go to a fertility specialist. Anyway, before this all happened, they had put in paperwork for adopting. They'd just completed it this past week, and as it turns out, they were selected for a baby girl, and brought her home yesterday! She was only three days old, and they were so proud & happy, & everyone was going over to see them all. I got a call (voicemail, actually) from my mother Sunday morning, letting me know that everyone was going to be there, and asking me to come.
I sat around the house for 2-3 hours, debating with myself on whether I could handle going or not. This was a big day for my sis & her husband, and on the one hand, I wanted to be there to support them & share in their happiness; on the other hand, however, I didn't want to melt down & ruin an otherwise festive occasion.For those that don't know (and without going into detail) I lost my son several years ago, prematurely, and ever since, I've not really been able to even look at young children, especially newborns. Once they get to a couplefew years old, I'm not too bad, but really young? No way. I can't even bring myself to look at ultrasounds. But I thought that this would be a really good opportunity for me to confront my fear, my pain, and maybe work through some of it.
I ended up going, and got to visit with the family for a bit; I actually called her before I left, to explain to my sis how I was feeling and to see what she felt, and to let her know I wanted to be there, but that if I got a bit weird, or had to leave for a bit, etc.,well, that was why. (I don't think my family realizes that I still have pretty bad issues with this.) She was very supportive, and said that she'd love for me to be there, and I could do whatever I was comfortable with. I still felt guilty, but went anyway.
When I first got there, and after saying hello's to everyone, I got my first look at her (from a safe distacne, of course!). It was pretty nerve wracking, and I had to go into the other room for a few minutes. (I don't know if she told the other side of the family about my issues or not, but her father-in-law came out to the kitchen & we shot the breeze for a bit, munching on some snacks. I spent the next hour or two talking with the family, and working my way closer to the "center of the action" so to speak. I eventually got comfortable, and by the time everyone else left (and it was time for me to go as well) I made up my mind to really step out of my comfort zone & hold her. It was a strange combination of borderline-terrifying & sweet - she was really being fussy until I held ehr up in an almost-sitting position, at which point her eyes opened wide & she just sat looking around the room. She was so precious, so adorable, but I couldn't look at her without seeing my son, and it was heart-wrenching. I did surprisingly well, though, as I held her for almost 10 minutes, & only cried briefly (in front of them, anyway) once afterwards.
The drive back home was really sad though, because the route I follow leads me past the off-ramp to the cemetary where my son is, and it was too late at night to stop. The entire way back, I couldn't help seeing his/her face, and thinking about how different things would be if he were still here. He'd be sneaking up on 10 yrs old now. I think about everything I missed, and everything I'm going to have to witness with my sis's children growing up, that my son never got to do. I'm a little worried that I won't get past this, and it will cause me to not want to see them, (or the gambler, for that matter) because of the children.
I got home & went to the bar for a beer. I had to switch to rum after that, because beer wasn't feeling right. I did manage to keep myself under control most of the night - I only cried 2-3 times, but recovered in a few seconds. I awoke this morning feeling ok, actually, both physically, and mentally. I'm glad I managed to face this, and even though it doesn't hurt any less, at least I know I'm strong enough to handle it without falling apart.
I might go back to visit him in the next week or two, though. I've never been to see him on any day other than his anniversary date, but I really feel like it might help. Help what? I've no idea...
12:21 p.m. - 2009-09-28
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email Me!
Random
others:
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
alethia
annanotbob2
life-my-way
fairybones
misfitstray
swordfern
warpednormal
elusive-you
lust-
comebacktome
ahopeinhell
silver4
kelsi
stepfordtart