I must be the king of self-sabotage. Every time I start to make progress on my exercise, and I start feeling really good about myself, and life in general, I have this desire to go out & be social. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but for some reason, I'm unable to do so without drinking. There's nothing wrong with that either, but when I'm feeling good & having a good time, I don't know when to quit. (Well, I do, but I choose not to, because I'm enjoying myself too much.) I always end up having a few too many, and regretting it the next day or so. It also sets me back on my workouts, which makes me lean towards self-loathing for "screwing up" again. I've been trying to connect with people around town that I used to hang out with, people who no longer go out very often, to see if they're having any get-togethers. (cookouts, house parties, etc.) For some reason, it just seems like it would be easier to not feel a need to drink, at an event like this. I have a chance to go to a bonfire this coming weekend, with some old bar friends, and in a few weeks, I might be going to our local art hop, after which is our greekfest downtown. I'm going to try to get through both of these without drinking anything.
I actually got a lot accomplished this weekend, at least in my opinion. I got one of my old cars back on the road, and drove it to work today. I'm going to clean it out this week, and get it ready to sell. I managed to get a few loads of laundry done, which may not seem like much, but my water lines are messed up, and I only have half the flow I should, which means each load takes well over an hour, if I'm washing a full load. I also rearranged my furniture, brought some things out of storage, and straightened up a little bit. I still have several days worth of work to go. (I'm acting like I'm going to be moving - packing up everything, throwing out what I can't use, donating what I don't want, selling anything worth anything, etc...) I'm trying to work on one room at a time, and so far, I have two "done". (Ok, not done, but satisfactory) It's surprising to me how much a little thing like changing the furniture around can make me feel so much better & more positive about my life. I think I'd fallen into a rut of sorts, where nothing in my life was changing, and I felt helpless to change it - everything was the same, day in & day out. I finally decided that since I can't change anything in my external life, I should change what I can, and that meant starting with my surroundings. Hopefully, that will set me on a new path, so that I won't keep setting myself back all the time.
I'm feeling really positive about life today - hopefully, this feeling will stick around for a while!
4:07 p.m. - 2009-06-01
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