so after writing, (last night) and then deleting, (this morning) a really pitiful entry (again), I got to thinking about why I continue to return to this basic state of melancholy and apparent defeat. I'm not sure, but I think the biggest problem is that I'm not where I feel I'm supposed to be. I feel stuck, trapped, in this house, this city, this state. I keep doing the same things over and over, and expecting something different to happen. I'm stuck by my house, to be honest - it's the one thing that is keeping me here. It's run-down, it has every pest/bug known to man, it has structural damage, it could flood any day now, and I'm upside-down on my mortgage with it. If I try to sell it as-is, I'll either *not* sell it, or I'll lose so much money that I'll have to carry tens of thousands of dollars with me to the next place. Financially, I can't get any relief, because I earn enough to not have any trouble making the payments.
I'm also stuck in a highly specialized job that doesn't have a lot of carry-over to other fields, and isn't in very high demand. I'm very secure in my position, in my company, but there's very little chance of finding anything else comparable anywhere, especially in this specialty, especially in automotive. (We're a Tier 1 supplier) I make too much money to be able to afford to change careers/fields.
So I guess that's what it comes down to - I feel trapped, unable to make any meaningful changes in my life. I don't feel I belong here, and even though I can relate to practically everyone, I don't resonate with any of them, even the friends I've made locally. (Well, you would call them friends, but I'm still struggling with that term - to me, friends implies a certain closeness, and I have a hard time feeling that with most of the people I know...)
That's a sad thing in itself, actually, not knowing what a friend really is. I imagine that's what makes me not such a good friend. I'm quiet, I never call, I rarely initiate contact with people, and a week seems the same as a few months to me, when it comes to talking to people. I bet this makes me come across as aloof, distant, uncaring, unconcerned, etc... Time and I have a strange relationship - on the one hand, time seems unimportant to me, as does age. As I said, I don't really notice if a week or a month has gone by, as they all tend to run into each other - on the other hand, I feel time slipping away from me, like I was just a child, and the next time I turned around, I'm missing years of my life. And on top of that, I imagine the end of my life, and I can see that it's not so far off, and that's what worries me about being alone. Honestly, does it seem pointless to anyone else to live into your later years alone, to die alone, not having friends or family around? Maybe it's just me...
10:13 a.m. - 2009-05-20
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