So I've settled back into resignation... I suck at meeting women, I suck at relationships in general, and so I have to get used to the idea that where I am now in life is where I'm going to stay. I can do all the fun, interesting, "different" things I want, but they're all just time killers/fillers. There's obviously something wrong in my head, some psychological error in my thought processes, that keeps me from letting myself find what I need. I don't feel close to anyone anymore, and I don't know that I even could, beyond a certain point. In a way, it makes sense, because why get close to people who aren't right/good for you? And with me, that apparently is the entire world population! :-P
I know, I know... "that will all change when you meet the right one!" I call bullshit. Know why? Because all of the good ones, the ones who might be right for me, at this point in life are all spoken for, or have/are raising a family. Of course they are, anyone who's that great of a catch wouldn't stay single, would they? (hmm.. that would imply indirectly that I'm *not* a good catch, wouldn't it!? *rolls eyes* anyway...)
After interacting with my sister & her husband, and a few other couples around my age, and seeing them all either having, or trying to start a family; vitamins, acupuncture, fertility treatments, etc., it really makes me wonder what will become of me when I get old, without any kids/family. It's funny - it's a recurring image with me, being in my 70's, 80's, 90's, wandering some random city, alone, friendless, loveless, anonymous, still trying to find things to do to occupy my time, trying to lead "a fulfilling life" on my own. It's sad, but it really does reflect on how my life currently is, and where it tends to settle eventually. I have highs, I have lows, but I always seem to end up back in this middle-ground mindframe. Relationships (of the dating/commitment variety) appear to be impermanent to me, at least in all of my experience. (now that I think of it, all relationships are, even friendships - some last longer than others, but very few tend to be life-long) Self-fulfilling? Possibly. Likely to change? Probably not. I'm sure that has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with other people, but I really don't know how to work on it, how to change it. I really wish my insurance hadn't changed - I'm getting to the point again, where I think seeing my old counsellor would be a good thing for me. I just can't justify paying $60/visit to talk to someone for only 50 minutes, especially after the pay cut we all took a little bit ago.
This is all so frustrating.
11:51 a.m. - 2009-05-19
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email Me!
Random
others:
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
alethia
annanotbob2
life-my-way
fairybones
misfitstray
swordfern
warpednormal
elusive-you
lust-
comebacktome
ahopeinhell
silver4
kelsi
stepfordtart