I've had an odd night. I decided that, again, I'm going to take a break from drinking as of the 1st, but I felt like having a few drinks tonight, so I went to the well. Had a couple beers there, then to bells, then to a place I used to go I'll call the top, for a rum & diet.
I stood there, drinking my rum, watching the crowd socialize & flirt, and realized there's a small part of me that would love to just crawl into a bottle & live out my years there. I think it'd be easy, and somewhat justifiable. I'm tired of being single. Based on an online conversation I had tonight & how it made me think & feel, I actually considered trying to find a hookup. I wanted to, but that's never been my style & I couldn't find someone like that even if I tried. Had I succeeded however, I would've been even more depressed and lonely, so it's good that I don't have that skill set.
I miss intimacy; I miss that eye contact that makes you feel like someone is looking into your soul; I miss knowing I have someone who supports me wholly, and gladly, and wants the best for me (as I would for them). It's so hard to imagine ever finding that again...
A part of me is also upset with the unfairness of the circumstances of my life. Not that I deserve anything in any way, but it sucks to want what I can't have. I'm grateful for what I do have, but at times (ok quite often), it doesn't feel like enough, and I find myself just a bit resentful about it. Meh, I'll live, right?
I've taken a vacation day next Tuesday, which will make a 4 day weekend for me as Monday is a national holiday here. I wish I had something to do, or somewhere to go, or someone to visit (well, that would fit into 3-4 days, anyway).
9:49 p.m. - 2023-08-30
Recent entries:
Car is back. - 2023-09-07
Annoyed, but... - 2023-09-06
Disenchanted. - 2023-09-04
Good convo, but mentally drained. - 2023-09-03
Scents of fall - 2023-09-03
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