My inner critic/bully was in rare form last night. For 2+ hours after I went to bed last night, it just kept bringing up all the reasons I suck as a person, and all the reasons I'll never be able to find someone to date/start a relationship with.
The problem is, all of the things that were brought up are, objectively, true. They're things that have proved themselves out in the past, and are things I've so far been unable to change. Obviously, I noticed that it didn't bother to bring up any of my (few?) positive traits, but that's what an inner critic does, right?
Nothing was left unmentioned; it told me I'm unattractive, fat/out of shape, I'm a downer/always depressed, I have no friends/nobody wants to talk to me, I'm unmotivated, socially awkward/anxious, often inappropriate in spite of my efforts, lazy about doing the typical things I should, I have no drive/ambition, I can't talk to women I find attractive/interesting, I suck at; weightlifting/guitar/singing/languages/computers/finance/anything I've learned to do, but not 'mastered'... Essentially, that I'm wasting my time putting any effort into life, and I should just give up & accept that this is all there is to life for me until I die.
Of course, part of me realizes all of that is untrue (or at least, not the whole story), but you become that which you think about the most, and because I spend the majority of my life alone, that inner critic/bully is the voice that I hear the most often. It's almost impossible to change those thoughts without having something positive with which to overwrite them, and because I have literally only one positive influence in my life, those positive thoughts/suggestions get massively overrun by 'him'.
I've put in a lot of my own inner work to understand myself. I've had 7+ years of psychiatric care (after my divorce). I've tried to modify my lifestyle to fit my unusual personality traits/quirks. Those have helped some, but honestly, understanding something intellectually has very little to do with repairing/healing past traumas. All it can do is help you understand why you react the way you do. To me, I think healing past traumas requires a consistent string of 'positive' wins, that eventually teach/show you that the past doesn't have to repeat. Without those positive wins, all of life is just reaffirming that yes, you do indeed, suck.
In spite of how hopeless I feel right now, I'm still going to try to make some changes. I'm going to our local gym today to possibly sign up. I'm hoping this will help me to find/meet people who are into fitness as much as I am. I don't have the mental energy to do more than that right now.
11:49 a.m. - 2023-07-15
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