I forgot to elaborate on the MP weekend miscommunication. Turns out she'd forgotten about a couple of events her daughters were in, and also had a less-than-pleasant interaction with her ex during one of them. As her ex tends towards sending abusive emails after situations like those, she'd been avoiding her email (can't say I blame her for that). Anyway, she apologized several times for not getting back to me, and committed to us meeting up on the 11th of this month. I'll message her when it gets closer, to confirm, but her kids will be out of school by then, so I'm sure it'll be fine.
Speaking of, when we 1st started talking, she told me that her life was very hectic/full while the kids were in school and that she might not have a lot of free time, but once they were out, her time would free up - this is why I was ok with the mix-up. I think one of the 1st things we'll talk about when we get together next, will be to clarify what kid of relationship we're each looking for, and whether we feel that can be managed between her schedule, and the 1hr travel distance. I already know that we have a compatible communication style, and that we're both open to being straight-forward/honest about our experiences and expectations, so I think the convo will go well, regardless of the outcome.
On Friday, I found myself waiting on someone to email me an address so I knew where to go for the wake - didn't receive it until about 15 minutes before I was due to leave, but I managed to be ready to go, and made the drive out. Traffic was terrible, not only because it was 5p on a Friday, but due to the many areas of construction along the only reasonable available route to my destination. (There are only three routes, but the other two added either 35-40 minutes, or an hour onto my travel time.) Anyway, the dinner/event was reasonable, and I knew about half of the people there and got to catch up with a few. Hadn't seen any of them since maybe 2010?
They talked me into attending the after-party (pop-up goth night at a local venue w/one of the discussion board members as DJ). I said I'd got for maybe a half hour , but that I still had to drive +2 hrs home that night. Well, aside from the DJ, I was one of the 1st people there, and there were very few people there for the 1st hour, after which they started to show up. I ended up staying until 10:45p or so, which meant I didn't get home until almost 1a. Didn't get to bed until after 1:30a, and slept like absolute shit, waking several times during the night (morning?). I even ended up skipping my strongman workout because of it. I did manage to clear out half of the 3-season porch yesterday though, and finally reassembled the rower & got it ready to use. I think it will end up being a good purchase, once I learn how to use the preset programs.
Back to the wake - I realized while I was there, that there's a reason I don't connect with that group. They're all, without exclusion, traumatized and troubled; some marginalized due to their sexual/gender identity, some by their physical/psychological issues, but all of them feeling like misfits. That's one reason why they all joined the discussion board; because it was/is a safe space. It's why I initially did as well, as I'd been traumatized by my ex-wife's infidelity & the divorce that soon followed, and I needed a place like that. Even though I still technically have clinical depression (among other things), I've found a way to get by in life , whereas the majority of them have not. No judgment, because I understand, but it's why I don't connect with any of them, and would not be hurt if I never saw any of them again.
Hrm... just realized that really makes me sound cold, doesn't it? I've said the same about my family too. I'm thinking that this is likely a trauma response; a way to protect myself? I can think of only one person right now, who if I never talked to them again, I would really miss. Just one... I wonder what that says about me? From a negative standpoint, it probably says that I'm still hurt and protecting myself from eventual rejection by not getting close to anyone. From a positive standpoint, I think it indicates that I know life and circumstances change, and I accept that people won't be in my life forever, which I think is a healthy viewpoint.
There's probably more to write, but I think that's enough for now.
12:17 p.m. - 2023-06-04
Recent entries:
Spammers suck. - 2023-06-26
Over it, again. - 2023-06-21
It's the little things that count. - 2023-06-18
Message from beyond? - 2023-06-16
Echo Chamber - 2023-06-11
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