My ma texted me a couple times in the last 2 weeks, one was simply a 'love you/miss you' type message, but the last one said that she'd just got home from the hospital, that she was doing fine, & would like to talk. Seeing the hospital comment, I couldn't bring myself to ignore her, though I did vacillate for a week before replying that I'd call her that night.
It went about as expected; she still doesn't understand why I stopped contact, and also ended up asking way too many busy-body questions (which is another pet peeve), but I was patient, and not only answered them, but when she asked if we could talk again soon, I explained to her that we would have to have a serious conversation before I'd be willing to commit to any kind of regular communication .
I didn't go into detail about the actual reasons of why I went no-contact, but I did explain to her that there were certain behaviors of hers that were harmful to my self-esteem, that I simply wasn't willing to subject myself to anymore. I explained that I have no right to dictate how she acts, or how she lives her life. All I can do is express when something is hurtful to me and ask her to not do that anymore. If she's either unwilling or unable to do so, there's nothing I can do about that, she has every right to live her life in the manner she wants. However, I also have every right to do the same, and to remove myself from harmful behavior, no matter who it's coming from, and that's what I did. She seemed to understand that part at least, so I'm hopeful that when we eventually talk specifics, she'll finally get it.
I also explained to her (again) that I'm fairly certain I'm on the autism spectrum, and that my mind doesn't work the way hers or anyone else in the family's does. (We both have agreed for years that we have totally different belief systems & thoughts on life, so that's not an issue.) She was surprised by the ASD comment and said she never knew, which tells me she has a really bad memory, because I've told her more than a couple times about it.
Anyway, I told her I'd text again in a couple weeks & we could set up a time to have that talk on 'specifics', and can determine after that whether or not we can resume regular contact. Oh, I did also explain to her that my cutting contact didn't mean I didn't love her, just that those certain behaviors were harmful to me, and that was why I chose to disconnect. I think that was important for her to know, to set her mind a bit more at ease. Especially in the case where I need to carry through with the no-contact thing again.
I felt good about talking with her when the call was done, but today, I'm kind of regretting it, because I'm really not looking forward to having that serious conversation, because I think it's going to be very difficult to explain the issue. Not that I can't put it into words, but moreso that she's not very bright (I mean no offense, we're just on different intellectual levels), and the way I phrase things quite often make no sense to her - like, she legitimately doesn't understand what I'm saying. I'm concerned that I'll lose my patience at some point, so I'm going to have to be on-guard for that...
Anyway, swapping out the snow tires for summer tires tomorrow morning, then heading out of town to meet one of the dating-site gals. Not terribly nervous about it, but unfortunately, also not very keen on it either. I wish I could meet someone I was actually excited to meet.
3:03 p.m. - 2023-04-21
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