The following came to me last night while I was in bed - I felt strongly enough about it that I got back up to write it. I've been debating where to post it all day, but finally realized that I think it's a positive thing, since as far as I can recall, I've never tried this, and the idea of doing something (anything) different is a good step. Hence, my posting it here...
So, after piecing together little tidbits of conversations I had with J at the well a few nights ago, I think I've realized something. I'm grateful for the way I've been these past decades, being open/honest/authentic about my depression & other issues... I've learned a lot about myself from choosing that path, but I've also learned something else; people can't handle the way I am, how direct and truthful I can be, especially about the darker aspects of life. It makes them uncomfortable, and the fact that I'm still the same after this long, is both confusing and off-putting.
So the conclusion I've come to is this: I can still be that way internally, but I need to learn how to fake it like everyone else does, when it comes to personal issues/problems. I need to hide that aspect of myself until I meet someone worthy of sharing it with, and most people won't be. I need to remember that people don't want to focus on, or think about, anything negative in life, they want to experience the good, whether it's genuine or forced. I've been studying people long enough now that I should be able to figure this out. I need to reply to the standard "how's it going?" with something along the lines of "good/great!", I need to have activities at the ready for whenever someone asks me what I've been up to so it sounds like I'm living a good, full life, etc. Maybe if I can convince people that I've changed and am actually a good, fun guy to be around, I can make friends and get out of this catch-22 I've been in all these years.
Self examination/introspection can be a good thing, but it seems like there comes a point where it doesn't benefit you anymore (well, in my case, anyway). I feel like it's time to put away the self-reflection, to bury that negative person, and those negative feelings, and only show people a positive version of myself, even if it's fake at first (and even if it stays fake, really). I mean, why not? That's exactly what I've been watching everyone else do my entire life, so I guess, why not try to join them?
We'll see if I post this or not...
3:01 p.m. - 2021-06-29
Recent entries:
Minor injury - 2021-07-06
1st date in years - 2021-07-06
Return to Strongman training - 2021-07-03
Sitting posture - 2021-07-01
Somewhat successful evening - 2021-06-30
My profile
Archives
Notes
Email
Random
others:
elusive-you
silver4
comebacktome
linguafranca
loveherwell
dangerspouse
catsoul
misfitstray
fairybones
annanotbob2
warpednormal
life-my-way
swordfern
kelsi
ahopeinhell
stepfordtart