I had a really bad "mental health day" last night after going to bed. So much so that I thought, and really believed, that the only way for me to affect positive change in the world would be by no longer being in it. Not by actively doing so, mind you, but acknowledging that, even if I occasionally do some good, it in no way makes up for all the negatives that living my life has caused. Part of me truly does believe that even if I had the energy, I'd never be able to put enough positive contributions back into the world to make up for the pain & anguish & loss I've created or facilitated.
I realized this morning that I can't even write about those things in here anymore. This has become a place for me to document the more factual details of my life & what's happening. I'm not comfortable writing about the depths of my traumas, my struggles to understand them, and my feelings about them. I don't have a 'safe haven' anywhere anymore - sometimes it feels like I never have. I simply don't *feel* safe, and because of who I am, I usually feel like I don't deserve to be. I've had it easy, relatively speaking, so what right do I have to complain? Honestly, I don't feel like I have that right. As irrational as it might be, it feels like I've deserved everything I've gone through, and that I'm lucky it wasn't much, much worse.
I don't really know where I'm going with this - I think I just needed to write about how I felt last night, even if I can't elaborate.
10:22 a.m. - 2021-04-17
Recent entries:
Unsatisfied. - 2021-05-02
Let down. - 2021-05-01
Take a chance. - 2021-04-30
Chance discoveries. - 2021-04-20
Slightly Improved. - 2021-04-18
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