People have always told me to just be myself (when it comes to making friends or dating). I've always assumed that meant to be honest about whatever/however I was feeling at the time, but I'm realizing that this isn't really the case. I don't think they really understand who I am.
Viv used to tell me (even after we split) that I should show people the smiling, happy, funny, charming part of me that she knew was there. I think that she believed that was who I really was, and that the rest was just me hiding or holding back, or some such. It's disappointing to know that someone you were with for 3 years could know so little about you. I mean, that side of me exists, but it's only one small facet of who I am, and it's sad to think that that is the only side that people really want to see, but I think it's true.
I'm realizing (again) that if I want to have any friends, I need to hide the majority of who I am. People want to be around others who make them feel positive, upbeat, or at least heard and supported. Nobody wants to be around a person who is constantly depressed, disappointed in life, and continuously talks about/dwells on it, which is exactly what I've been doing for the last few decades, based on the belief that I should 'just be myself'. I think that, if I ever want to have any friends to hang out with, I need to keep my negativity & depression under wraps, at least until a fuller/deeper friendship develops. And if a deeper friendship doesn't develop, well, at least people will think better of me than they do now.
So now, my only question/concern is, do I begin this practice by not writing about/dwelling on my depression when I write here? Does writing/'vocalizing' my sadness by writing here help me at all, or does it just reinforce that aspect of myself? Am I better off blocking all of it out, so that I can let it go & work on building this new 'persona' that others might find appealing?
Since I've become an adult, I've been trying to be true to myself/my nature, to express myself honestly, but I think I've been going about life all wrong, because it hasn't gotten me anywhere I want to be.
9:33 a.m. - 2020-12-21
Recent entries:
"Cutest Apocolypse Ever!" - 2020-12-30
A different approach? - 2020-12-26
Drop-in? - 2020-12-25
Ugh, holidays again? - 2020-12-24
Heated grips success! - 2020-12-24
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