You know what sucks? I can't even take a chance at making friends anymore because it puts my mental health at risk. Every time I reach out, I'm risking my mental stability. Knowing this to be true, a couple of things are obvious 1) I don't have the capacity/ability to affect change in the world, which makes me relatively worthless, and 2) I have no chance at finding love/a relationship.
I'm an HSP, autistic, clinically depressed, socially awkward introvert who doesn't understand anyone/anything, and even if I happened to run into someone I found interesting, 1) I couldn't do anything about it, and 2) nobody in their right mind would want an HSP, autistic, clinically depressed introvert who doesn't understand anyone/anything.
I really can only see three choices in my future; 1) self-isolate for the rest of my life and rely on my own company to keep me somewhat sane (best possible choice); 2) give up and drink until I die of illness or accident (which I've decided to do tonight; we'll see how the rest of the week goes); 3) just check out early & be done with the struggle (always tempting).
It's kind of ridiculous that each one of those are honestly all serious contenders.
I don't have the ability to cope.With anything. This is my major malfunction.
This entire life has been meaningless, and I'm seriously considering changing my name & disappearing. Of course that's not necessary if... well, nevermind.
I may just shut down this journal. None of you really need to know what's going on in my fucked-up head, and starting over might give me a chance to figure out why i suck so bad.
8:33 p.m. - 2020-11-11
Recent entries:
More negative than positive - 2020-12-02
Busy work - 2020-11-28
Money well spent. - 2020-11-27
Unusually pleasant holiday - 2020-11-26
Physical isolation - 2020-11-25
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