A few hours ago, I noticed myself getting angry at stupid little things for absolutely no reason, and wondered why? Even before I had finished mentally posing the question to myself, an answer literally popped into my head out of 'nowhere'...
"I'm tired of doing this alone."
By 'this', I meant 'life'. It really wears on a person, having to deal with literally everything in one's life. If I don't do household chores (lawn, dishes, laundry, etc.), they'll never get done; if I don't cook, I won't eat; if I don't/can't work, my bills won't get paid...
i think that concept, piled on top of the isolation I've been feeling this weekend, really pushed me to my limits. I've realized that my anger, that burst of a reaction, is a symptom of what autistic people call a 'meltdown'. Some get angry & lash out, some completely withdraw & isolate. I seem to be one who does both. There's only so much I can take before I need to release the tension, the frustration, and my choices seem to be getting angry & taking it out on others, or withdrawing and getting drunk to dissipate the feelings of hopelessness & utter failure.
Fortunately, tonight, I seem to have caught it early. Only had two drinks & am feeling a bit more even-keeled now. Unfortunately, I still have no one to talk to, but even if I did, what could I say? My life never changes, which means I have nothing worthwhile to share, unless someone is in mental distress. That seems to be my only strong point.
8:20 p.m. - 2020-08-02
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