lust- thinks that, as i feel like I'm so different from everyone else, maybe I'm a star-seed. I'd like to believe something like that, but most of the time, I feel like I was just a cosmic mistake & never should have been here in the 1st place.
In another 10 days, I'll have lived an entire year longer than I expected to. I could swear I just posted about that a month ago... Time is slipping away from me, faster and faster every day (year?). In another year or so, I'll be another decade older & will have nothing more to show for it than I do now, except maybe a little more grey hair & a little less give-a-shit.
Some will tell me I'm not old, but I feel my chronological age looming, and with it, a feeling that I've lost any chance at having the life I've wanted for the last... how many years is it now? Too many. It's slipping away, and sometimes, I can't seem to bring myself to care.
Why did it have to take so long for me to begin to start understanding life? Why now, when I'm so far past the time frame where it would have been helpful? Why now, when knowing what I know now back then would have stopped me from becoming this giant emotional/psychological mess? I don't have another 20-30 years to try to fix the damage that's already been done, and even the thought of attempting to makes me want to crawl into a hole & stay there.
But I won't. After all, bills have to be paid, and I have that new motorcycle, and I guess I should probably do something with it.
12:49 a.m. - 2020-05-30
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