I had a small anxiety attack at work today (which practically never happens) when I realized that, without outside intervention, my life will be as empty as it is now, for the rest of my life. I sit here every night and realize that I don't really care if I do anything. You'd think there would be fun things to do, but when you're alone (and don't want to be), everything that might seem fun is tainted by the fact that there's no one with whom to share it. If nothing is fun, and I don't enjoy doing anything, what's the difference whether I do anything or not? I could sit on the couch all day and kill time just as effectively as looking for/doing things that bring me no joy, so why bother? And if that's the case, why go on living? (That's just a rhetorical question...). Honestly though, I can't imagine another 50 years of feeling like this. It's hard to even imagine another 10 years of it. But I also felt that way 10 years ago too. Everyone tells me, 'things will change/get better, have faith' or some such, but it never does. Sometimes it looks like it might, but those are just mirages, and when they fade, things go right back to the way they were.
I wish I didn't care that I was alone, then I might find some way to be at peace with my life, and if I were at peace, it would show, and would likely have a big impact on how I interact with others. I'm stuck in a loop; I'm sad about being alone, making my depression worse, which is both off-putting to others and makes me not care about trying new things/meeting new people, causing more isolation/less connection with people, which causes more loneliness, and on and on...
I think I've proven to myself that I'm incapable of instigating meaningful change on my own over the last 30 years. I've only dated 4 women in my life for longer than a month or two, and literally only 12 ever, none of which were initiated by me. I think by this point in life, if I were capable of change, I would have done so, because it doesn't seem like anybody would willingly choose to live this way, does it?
Oh, by the way, I realized this morning that today is the 30th anniversary of my dad's death. Part of me is sad about it; part of me is a bit envious; part of me is also scared of getting to the end of my life having never truly found my 'place' in this world, my people, my love. Living through decades of emotional emptiness, only to die with nothing to show for it and no one to care that I was here, is (for some reason today) almost panic-inducing and heart-rending.
7:58 p.m. - 2020-04-15
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