I've kind of hit a point where I don't really care about anything again. It's not a bad place to be, really, in fact it's much better than being bummed out about everything all the time. I'm going through the motions, doing the things I need to do, and trying not to focus on the negative things that seem to be hovering around the edges of my mind. It'd be nice to be able to enjoy doing things, but I guess I can't expect to 'have it all'.
I've had some serious back pain for the last couple weeks, and I'm sure that's not helping much. Being in constant pain all day long tends to wear on you after a while, but I think that's finally improving, so that's a plus. I've also backed off on my workouts (to only three per week) and am allowing myself to have a beer or two when I feel like it, rather than beating myself up about doing so. The reason for this is actually kind of amusing - I was watching a video online from a popular strongman & a couple other guys who I really like. Not the point... anyway, the strongman was wearing a shirt that I really thought was cool, and it sort of put me in a frame of mind to cut myself some slack regarding my body composition. Turns out the shirts are for sale (though unfortunately, the ones I want are currently sold out), and I'm going to buy a couple as soon as they re-stocked - here's a couple links!
I'm constantly down on myself for carrying so much extra body fat, but even when i work out 5-6 times a week it never gets significantly better. That's one of the things that kind of makes me feel like a failure most of the time, but finding out there is a fairly large group of people who are ok with being "Kinda Fit, Kinda Fat", seems to have me taking some of the pressure off myself. I mean, why should I feel bad? I'm not obese (well, according to BMI, I'm actually morbidly obese, but that chart is mostly for sedentary people & doesn't take into account muscle mass. In fact, Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he won Mr. Olympia, would've been classified as morbidly obese on that stupid chart, so...). Anyway, I'm 'fluffy' but not too bad, so I should cut myself some slack, that was my point. Doesn't make my life any better, but at least it's one less thing to have bothering me for a while.
4:28 p.m. - 2020-01-24
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