I realized something this morning while mentally going over a conversation I had last night (as I'm quite prone to do). I realized that my issues with self-esteem, shame, embarrassment, etc are a lot more deep-seated than I even knew.
I've related here recently how my mother's & sister's reaction to something I said provoked a knee-jerk reaction in me, and I stormed out of the house, even going so far as to avoid them by not attending my cousin's wedding that week. The cause of my reaction was simple, face-burning shame. Their condescending attitude, even their patronizing vocal inflection, immediately brought that out of me. Burning shame, and then anger at them for it. Every time I feel it, or embarrassment, or any negative judgment, even if it's unintentional, or really, even if it's only perceived that way in my head, I react by wanting to do one of two things... Apologize for my embarrassing behavior, or withdraw & vow to avoid any more social interactions so I can avoid feeling that way again.
I can see that this is something that's been going on since I was young. My grandmother, my mother, even my sister (when she got into high school & beyond), all operate on shaming those whose behavior doesn't line up with their beliefs on how life should be lived, or they used guilt to attempt to change others' behavior. They started it, planted the seeds, as it were, cultivated it, but I think I've perpetuated it (in the past anyway) by choosing women who seem to repeat this attitude . Every one of them, especially the girl I was 1st engaged to, and then my ex-wife, treated me this way (especially my ex-wife). I can see that it's pure manipulation, a form of emotional abuse, and I can feel that it's still deeply rooted inside me. I never realized just how bad my ex treated me emotionally, because everyone else did too, even (especially?) my maternal family figures, so I just thought that's how it should be.
I eventually got to the point several years ago where I knew enough to be able to remove myself from those situations, but my solution was always to withdraw; to disappear from life into my own little world where I was safe. Where I didn't have to worry about anyone judging my or putting me down for who I am (even if I didn't understand the cause or my reasoning behind doing so).
Shame. It's probably one of the main causes of my depression. I know it's a big part of why I've always believed I'm not good enough for anyone, especially by someone I like or respect. Always feared making a mistake & being laughed at, mocked, made fun of. Especially with my tendency towards Asperger's, or whatever neuro-atypical issues I may have. Not understanding how people work, or society in general, how to behave around others, what's acceptable & not... It's caused me to be reserved, quiet, introverted to an extreme (until I get to know people).
It's likely why I dislike trying new things on my own too. Well, things that involve other people, or being out in public, that is. Having someone with me to share an experience, I think, lessens my fear of looking like an idiot, because I can just follow their lead until I understand how things are meant to go.
I wonder, if this was something so embedded in me that it took me this long in life to figure it out, will I ever be able to change it? Especially on my own? I can't imagine so. I'm not even glad to realize this now, because honestly, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?
People have always told me, even back in middle- and high school, I should get out, take more chances, just 'step up & do it!', etc. but they don't realize how bad one misstep can affect me. Even if nobody else thinks twice about something, if I feel embarrassed about something, I may disappear for months, until my little negative inner voice stops reminding me of it constantly.
Am I the only one who deals with this? Sometimes it sure feels like it.
I could probably go on and on about this, but I'm tired of thinking about it right now. Going to go try to get in a workout...
7:30 p.m. - 2019-10-21
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