Finally starting to come out of this negative episode, feeling a bit better. A good time to do so, too, as we have a 3-day weekend & I took tomorrow of as a vacation day. Too bad the weather likely won't cooperate much as far as cycle riding goes - supposed to rain quite a bit. Anyway, I'm going to do my best to not fall back into negativity this weekend; in the past, holiday weekends have usually depressed me because everyone is off doing things with their friends/family, thus leaving me alone (as I never get invited to anything). I hope to re-frame my view of this somehow (unsure yet how).
I've been thinking quite a bit recently about who I am/what I have to offer, in regards to friendships/dating, and I have to admit, it's not a pretty picture. While I may be a good guy, so are a lot of other guys - there's really not much beyond that to recommend me. I don't do interesting things, I have no unique hobbies, I really have no life outside of work. One of the only things I do enjoy, tends to present to others in a negative light; I'm a fat, quiet/introverted, middle-aged guy with a greying beard (& now, a ponytail) who is pretty hardcore about riding his motorcycle as much as possible. I feel like a lot of people see me as a stereotype; a crude, trouble-making '1%er', which is understandably off-putting to most. I know from previous experimentation that my outward presentation/the way I dress/groom can directly affect the way people see me, and I'm sure if I changed my style, I'd likely meet more interesting people (or at least people who are more my type), but it feels wrong to essentially falsify myself. I know it might not be lying, that it's just showing another side of myself, but I don't feel natural when I do that & it comes across in my personality/behavior.
Not sure why I'm actually writing about it, other than I realize that something needs to change. My trouble is, change for me takes massive amounts of positive energy & support/encouragement, and if I don't have that internally, I don't have it at all, because I have no support system here. That's actually one of the main reasons I have so much trouble with depression; I want to socialize, to have friends, & when I don't, I get bummed out. When I'm sad, I'm terrible company & people don't want to be around me (and that happens fairly often, so people tend to avoid me quite a lot). The more they avoid, the sadder I get, ad infinitum. It's a vicious cycle. When I do finally get the energy to go out to meet people, I tend to enjoy myself, put out good vibes, & have good conversations, but they never end up growing into more, which makes me sadder than before I tried.
Ugh, anyway, what it comes down to is, I feel like the 'me' I am now is overall pretty worthless when it comes to friendships/relationships, and I'm having a hard time both figuring out how to change that, and how to implement those changes (if I ever figure them out).
Also... 17 days to go; 24 if I figure ± a week into the calculation. With how I felt the past week or so, I'm not looking forward to it.
3:18 p.m. - 2019-05-23
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