I found this article today & finally feel somewhat vindicated. Years ago, after quite a lot of therapy for major depression & social anxiety, my psychiatrist recommended I try antidepressants, because we weren't making much progress. I was pretty hopeless at the time, so I figured, "why not, he's the expert".
Pretty sure the 1st one I tried was Celex4. He told me it would take a while for serum levels to come up & I should take it for at least a month. Within the 1st couple days, I felt like a complete zombie & started sleeping 14 hrs a day - other than work, it was the only thing I could do. I felt absolutely nothing. After a week or so , he told me to keep with it a little longer; that it should get better. Not only did it not improve, but I started seeing things. I actually made an entry about the swirling-colored whirlpool that was constantly off to my right side, even describing the different colors as they changed day to day. I knew I couldn't keep it up, so after the third week I quit, didn't even taper off. Felt better within a couple days again.
WEllbutr1n was next, a few weeks later. This time, the exact opposite happened, I couldn't really sleep very well, but all of my negative emotions seemed to be amplified. After only a week or so, I was getting so angry I was screaming at, and threatening to kill, inanimate objects in my home. Obviously, this wasn't working either, so I quit again, no tapering, and felt better within a couple days.
Tried Lexapr0 and one other I can't recall after that, and within a few days, I could tell they were making things worse, so I never continued them. Also ended up trying either R1talin or Adder0l (can't remember which), and to be honest, that was probably the most beneficial, but he suggested upping the dose on that & taking it daily, and I started getting massive headaches. Again, I quit. That was the last time I tried meds for my depression/anxiety, and I'll never try them again. My psychiatrist was discouraged about that, but to his credit, accepted my explanation/reasoning that I'd rather learn to deal with my true feelings, than hide behind some manufactured emotions that I didn't understand & didn't feel like 'me'.
Since then, pretty much everyone I talk to about my depression tells me I should take meds. When I explain why I won't (the condensed version!), they either tell me I'm wrong for it, or otherwise imply that I'm dumb for the choice. That's why I rarely tell anyone anymore.
Anyway, after reading this article, I feel like I made the right decision, regardless of what others say. I know myself, and I'm glad to know there are others who understand. It's still not easy, because the negativity of depression never really goes away, but at least I've learned to live/cope with it & can function.
p.s. I just looked in my email account & realized that all the items I deleted from CC are still sitting in the deleted items folder (Don't know why, but I thought they were gone completely). I was so tempted to read them again, but I was strong & got rid of them completely. Discouraging to see them again, though...
5:33 p.m. - 2019-01-03
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