I had plans with GRJ to head up & hang out today. We were going to take the cycle out for a bit. Turned out to be cooler than expected & a little rainy. Before I even talked to her this morning (even last night), I knew she'd suggest cancelling/rescheduling like she always does, and she did; sent me a text this morning. It's not a really big deal, but the whole time, I was thinking, 'you know, I have a truck, we could still hang out', but I think that would allow too much time for talking & maybe it would be uncomfortable for her or something? We never get together for anything other than a cycle ride, unless of course she needs my help with something. Probably the closest friend I have & not even she wants to hang out with me. It's very frustrating. I guess I give off too much of an independent vibe. It's self-perpetuating, really, because I know it stems from self-protection - part of me knows that if I don't get close to anyone, they can't hurt me or let me down, like everyone else has so far (likely not true, but how it feels). On the other hand, one can't live a happy, successful life in complete emotional isolation; it's safe, but devastatingly hurtful after so many years.
It doesn't help, either, that I have no idea how to be a friend (actively, anyway). What do friends do, what do *people* do? I honestly don't understand anything about how this life is supposed to be lived.
10:55 a.m. - 2018-05-20
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