Well, I failed. Forgot I had another work conference, and they had a 'cocktail' event with free drinks. That was Wed. night - was over around 8:30p but I went to a brewery afterwards because once I start to feel sociable, I want to be out. The next day, I was upset with myself, of course, and have been telling myself that I'm really unlikely to find the kinds of people I need in my life, in a bar.
This disappointment in myself has put me in a rather foul mood, though, and at random moments today, I've found myself just standing/sitting somewhere, doing nothing, for sometimes 20-30 minutes on end because I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Drinking isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I do enjoy having a beer or two, but my complete isolation (whether alone or in a crowd) has me drinking to avoid my emptiness, and that's a shit reason. I think that, if I had at least 1-2 friends here locally with whom I could do things (other than drink/go to bars), it might make some small difference. Truthfully, it might make all the difference?
I don't, however, and so I do all I know how to, which is avoid drinking when I can, and going to see bar/musician friends when I can't stand the echoing emptiness inside any longer. Tonight is one of those nights...
5:03 p.m. - 2018-04-07
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