(I wrote this after getting home from the brewery last night, after having a few beers. I'm sure you'd have guessed that, as that seems to be the only time I'm open enough to write about my feelings. I cleaned it up a bit, but it's essentially as I wrote it, with a couple of next-day observations added in.)
I had no expectation of needing to write here for the next couple of months, because I was anticipating the same pattern as has happened the last several years over the holidays - but tonight changed that.
Months ago, I talked about 'A' from a local brewery I patronize. She started working there a while back, so I end up seeing her more often than I used to. I've had a big, unrequited crush on her since we first met, but that's mostly beside the point. Anyway, for the last couplefew weeks, I've been feeling really down & have gone up there quite a bit. A couple times, we've had occasion to talk. Apparently, during these conversations, she's picked up on my (slightly more than) melancholy mood, and ever since, has been going out of her way to say hi, to talk with me, asks how I am, etc. I felt/feel a little self-conscious about it, but on the other hand, I really enjoy talking with her, so I don't mind, even if subconsciously I wonder if it's just pity. That's probably just my pessimism talking though. She's a sweet gal, altruistic, and genuinely nice.
Anyway, I was down there tonight, and she was sitting at the bar across from me, and made a point to say hi. It was nice to be acknowledged (because most of the time I feel invisible). A few minutes later, she disappeared, and when she came back, she stopped over to talk a bit. She was very polite, and made a point of saying she didn't want to make me uncomfortable, but that she'd gotten me an x-mas present. I felt so awkward! I don't celebrate it, and I don't do gifts, and yet, I was really thankful that she'd thought enough of me to even consider it! I thanked her, several times, and even expressed my awkwardness. She set me at ease by saying she saw these things & getting them for me just felt like the thing to do (paraphrased). I'm a big proponent of doing things that your intuition calls for, and told her as much. She was so genuine, so giving in her energy and the way she presented the whole situation, that I couldn't help but feel even more drawn to her, even though I'm well aware that this was just a platonic gesture.
I waited until I got home to open it. I should probably mention that she's an artist, working mostly in pen/ink mediums, and we've had several conversations about art/drawing. We've even discussed my wanting to make a built-in drafting/art table in the spare room. Anyway, before I digress further, when I opened her gift, I found 3 art pencils w/sharpener (no.2, no.4, & no. 6 grade), a pencil/pen carrying case, a medium-sized sketch book, and a book on meditation (which we'd also discussed in-depth). She had taken the time to write a note that entirely covered the 1st page, and it was (I hate to use the word yet again, but it fits) very sweet. She closed it with "From here, until then," and her 1st & last name (which now that I think about it the next day, seems kind of odd?)
It's honestly and literally the most thoughtful gift I think I've ever gotten in my adult life. She listened to me, she remembered, she recognized my struggles, and she gave something that was the most appropriate thing I could have imagined. With everyone else in my life, they've always just gone by what they assumed, or thought they knew of me, whether it applied or not. Sometimes they were right, but it was always obvious that they were guessing, at best. As far as I can remember (and I remember all the way back to being 3 yrs old), I've never received a more thoughtful, more appropriate gift in my life.
This is both amazing to me, and discouraging. I'm so thankful for having this happen to me, and yet, I know who I am, I can't pretend otherwise. She's an amazing young woman, I'm a jaded old man, there's never going to be a connection in the way I might hope. I supposed this feeling is understandable though, as I've had several decades to perfect my "martyr" persona, right? ;-)
Is there anything to be done in a situation like this? I think the best thing is to be thankful for the interaction, and accept it's nothing more than what it is, proffered friendship, even if I wished it were more.
And now, I need to find something worth trying to draw...
2:13 p.m. - 2017-12-09
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