I'm having a bit of a hard time again, over something that's probably stupid but has the slight possibility of being a big issue. It must be an anxiety thing, because since this issue, I've been constantly worried. It's even invaded my dreams in an oblique way, and I've awoken each day with a sinking feeling in my stomach. It should be resolved one way or another by tomorrow, at which point I'll either be able to laugh it off, or I'll be figuratively fucked. I guess we'll see.
Anyway, this anxiety has me feeling typical things, lots of 'down on myself' thoughts of inferiority, unworthiness/worthlessness, self-shaming/embarrassment, etc. It's also brought me back to thoughts on my 'singledom', and whether it will ever change. I'm sure you'll remember, because they're the same thoughts I've always had. I've been single too long, I won't know how to be in a relationship, and so on. And I guess I might as well mention that I think it'll be a bit tougher now, after a bunch more 'online research' regarding my behavior, from the time I was little until now. Everything I've read recently ties in with so many odd behaviors/quirks I've always had, and explains so many things, but it's something that I'm nervous to admit to myself, even though I've discussed it before, seemingly without problem. I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum (ASD), specifically Asperger's Syndrome.
I'd read an article earlier about Social Camouflage, and even though it implied it was more associated with girls, it really seemed to fit. I matched a lot of the 'typical boy' behavior when I was young, but learned to keep quiet and blend it. I only bring this up because it concerns me with regards to finding/developing a relationship with someone. I mean, I already feel like a 'weirdo outsider', and while this label could explain a lot to those who understand, it just feels like it'll push me even further outside the 'norm'. I really think I'm better off giving up on the idea of having a relationship again. None of my previous ones have been healthy, which is probably because I have no idea what a healthy relationship would look like!?
This whole weekend, I've been right back to feeling like I should just stop going out, like, even for lunch/dinner, etc. Being a hermit sounds like a great relief at the moment. And how bad can being alone really be? I mean, I haven't physically touched another person in over a month (not even a handshake), and I'm not dead or insane yet, right? They say that human contact is really important to overall health, but I wonder if 'they' know what they're talking about?
5:58 p.m. - 2017-08-06
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