So I posted this earlier this week, then deleted it out of embarrassment. I've decided to re-post it because, fuck it, why not?
Oh, and I just spent 4 days out of town at a work conference with lots of people. Like, 400, maybe? I'm mentally exhausted and overwhelmed. Great timing, no? The week I stop my supplements, I also miss out on all my workouts, and burn out on social niceties and required interactions. I need a hug, but I also need to be alone - hard to reconcile... Ok, here's the old post:
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Technically, this doesn't count either, as today was my last day taking my supps, so...
The bartender @ main st today was tall, blonde, and reminded me a lot of CC; so much so, in fact, that when I got home, I had to try to look her up online. Unfortunately, she's very good at keeping pics of herself from showing up, and I only found two - the same two I found last time I looked, several years ago. Seeing her picture really reminded me of how much I dug her, and how much I still miss her. I even went back & re-read some of her emails that I'd saved the last time we 'talked'. She'd seemed so excited to talk to me, and to possibly see me, that it kind of hurts that she never writes any more.
I wish I had the nerve to tell her any of this, but I don't want to make things awkward. I mean, it would be great if she was thinking the same things I am, but I don't get that impression; it feels like she's just keen on being an occasional friend. Of course, whenever I read back through those emails, I can infer all sorts of alternate meanings, and see possibilities where they likely don't exist. Sometimes, I can even convince myself that she's just waiting for me to speak up, so she can tell me she feels the same... then I remember that, even when I do write, sometimes I don't hear from her for months/years & I realize that I'm only deluding myself.
It also didn't help that I got to see the Gambler (along with her husband/son) when she was face-timing with my ma/gma this weekend. If I had the choice, I think I'd prefer to never see/interact with her again.
It's never gonna happen for me, is it?
7:50 p.m. - 2016-08-04
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