So, Monday, it felt like a black curtain had fallen over my entire life. I mean, almost literally - I think back to Monday, and every memory is dark, and not just in a "depressed" way. The last couplefew days? I feel bipolar. I can be watching something online, laugh my ass off, and 10 minutes later, be wandering the house wishing I could find something to occupy my brain. Yesterday, I got dressed, then stood in the hallway for 20 minutes, trying to figure out where I should take the motorcycle for a ride. Nowhere sounded interesting enough to be worth leaving the house. I got undressed again & sat on the couch to watch Burn Notice. Even skipped my workout (am going to do it tonight, in a few minutes).
I'm finding it near impossible again, to find anything worth caring about. Everything I'm doing now, is being done out of either habit, or the knowledge that it just needs to be done. If it doesn't need to be done, it doesn't get done.
I'm fed up with accepting the fact that this is how I am; who I am... Unfortunately, it's entirely true, and I need to accept it, because it's not likely to change after decades of consistency. Some days I find myself thinking, "One day, I'll be dead & I won't have to deal with any of this anymore". I hesitate to say it, but sometimes, I find that thought comforting.
I'm going to go lift, before I depress myself too much to bother...
6:51 p.m. - 2015-06-11
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