I don't know what to do. Since I stopped drinking, I've found myself lacking any motivation to go out & socialize. There are tons of shows being put on recently by bands that I'd normally have been excited to see, but I just don't give a fuck about it now. I weigh in my mind"do I want to go out, or would I rather stay home & watch reruns?" Guess what wins out!? Staying home honestly sounds more enjoyable. I've done this at least 5-6 times in the last month, maybe less. Even tonight, there are at least two shows playing, by people I've known in the scene for years. It's just that I know they're all going to be "up" and excited to be out playing & the crowd will be rowdy, etc. and I don't want to deal with it sober.
It's like, I know that if I go out, I'm going to feel awkward & out of place, my conversations will be short & uncomfortable, and in that kind of a mood, I know there's no chance of meeting anyone to date. In fact, I feel resigned again to the notion that I'll never meet anyone. I'm doing my best to keep motivated to exercise, and I'm trying to get the house fixed up/painted so I can move this spring, but motivation's hard to come by. I feel like I need support, I need a little positive reinforcement, a little encouragement, but in-person. Like, *one* friend here (locally, I mean, not here on d-land) who could be a positive influence on me. It seems like the only people in this area willing to talk to me are in worse shape emotionally/situationally than I am, and don't have anything to offer in that way. In fact, they're actually a drain on my energy levels, and I often have to avoid them to an extent, because I don't have any energy to spare.
I so badly want to go out & get drunk tonight. I won't, though - for 1) I'm going out to the garage now to get a workout in, and that usually mitigates these feelings somewhat, and 2) I have to be in to work an hour early tomorrow morning to support a customer run-at-rate with measurement data, and I can't fuck up & miss it or be late. 3) I have the realtor coming over tomorrow after work to check out the place & help me figure out what I need to work on to get it ready to sell.
You know what? The only thing that keeps me going right now with the workouts is the thought that if I get "hot" enough, maybe someone will take a chance on me & inadvertently get to see that I'm actually not such a bad guy. It's not going to happen the way things are now though. I'm not good-looking/sexy enough at this point to over-ride the unintentional negativity vibes I put out.
Even I can see it... I exude hopelessness. Which is appropriate for the hopeless, I guess.
7:29 p.m. - 2015-04-08
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