Just saw on facespace today that an acquaintance (local musician) passed away. Young guy, maybe early 30's, kind of a modern hippie/jam-band-type, always smiling, always kind. I didn't know him that well, but he always had a handshake and a smile for me whenever I ran into him. I think he had some medical issues, but I don't know what his situation was, just that he'd had another seizure and didn't live through this one. It was really hard to see the outpouring from all of the local music scene, his friends, his family, how torn up they all are about it. I wanted to say something on his page, but felt like I didn't know him well enough to do so.
The thing that's been bothering me all morning though, is that, well, he had a full life; a girlfriend who loved him, so many friends & family who did the same, and had such a musical talent that he was excited to share, and had been for years. This was a guy who could really make a difference in the world. I, on the other hand, am just taking up space. First thought? Man, that's so unfair. Second thought? Should have been me, rather than him. Honestly, I don't really bring anything to the world... Why should a guy like that be gone while I'm still here? It's more a rhetorical thought than anything, but with the way my mind's been going recently, it seems like a valid question. Life is unjust, unfair. Logically, part of me wants to trade places with him. I wouldn't really miss not being here anymore, but him still being here would prevent so much pain & emotional suffering...
It's funny how the concept of death can affect people; for some, it makes them realize how thankful they are/should be to be alive, makes them appreciate life more. For others (like me), it makes them realize just how empty life is, how pointless it all seems, and how little it matters.
Some days, I feel like I'd rather be gone, than feel this alone forever. I'll be so glad when these feelings have passed.
12:49 p.m. - 2015-02-19
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