GRJ invited me up to her place to hang out for Halloween this Friday night. I told her that I'd like to, but I hadn't been doing well, and was afraid I might just end up being a "wet blanket", but if I felt better, I would. She said she's been having the same problem, which is why she's trying to plan something (implying, rather than sitting around alone, I assume). Said it was likely going to be just her & "the upstairs neighbor kids", as she put it. I don't think I know them, but if it's only going to be a few people, I might be able to handle it. Unless, of course, her "b/f" will be there - really can't stand that guy. I've no idea how to ask that though, because I don't know their "status" & don't want to make things awkward. I guess if I do go, and he shows up, I can always leave. Even if I'm a bit bummed, I'd still like to go, because it beats sitting here in this house by myself.
Got a few texts from KW Saturday, asked if she could IM instead of text, but she couldn't that day. We were supposed to chat the next day, but I never heard from her. It's probably for the best, as I had an absolutely shit day Sunday, like, "completely give up on life" kind of shit day, and so I have, at least for now. We'll see how long this feeling lasts, but it's kind of freeing in a way, to give up on hope, to know you just don't give a shit & aren't even going to bother trying anymore... It's nice. No need to solve anything, no need to fix anything, no need for counselors or psychiatrists, no need to go out to socialize. I can hide in online tv shows, movies, I can run away to other worlds in books; it's too bad I'm not a gamer, I could live in one of those fantasy worlds & never have to leave the house, but for work. Anyway, I just got another text from KW tonight while I was at work. I replied when I got home, but haven't heard from her yet. I wonder how this is going to go? I hope she doesn't expect to hear sunshine & rainbows from me...
I also got a voicemail before I left work, from my old guitarist. I haven't heard from him in probably a couple years, I think? Said he wanted to catch up, wondered how I was doing, & wanted to fill me in on some things he's working on. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to call him back, I mean, why should I bother? In all likelihood, he hasn't changed a bit, and besides, I really don't feel like playing music anymore, and what other reason could he have for calling? I mean, we've been friends since high school, but we were never what anyone would call 'close'. To be honest, he's more than difficult, and gets on my nerves more often than not (hrm, sound like anyone we know? *points to self*)
I finally started back to lifting last night, after a three week layoff. Starting out really easy, as last time I overdid it & was sore for two weeks while I worked back into things. I really don't want to do that this time. I'm not really even sure why I'm bothering, other than the fact that it's something to do that's not just sitting on the couch watching tv/movies & getting more depressed. (I was going to say "getting fatter", but with my mood, I haven't really felt much like eating, so it's not an issue. In fact, I'm down 5-6 pounds in the last few weeks.)
I'm not sure what to do anymore. Sometimes, I just turn on my internet radio & sit on the couch, staring at the ceiling & listening to sad songs, wondering both where/when my life went so wrong, & what I can possibly have to look forward to. The answers, inevitably, have been "when I was born", and "when I die", respectively. Not to be morbid or anything, but at least then, I won't have to worry about it anymore. In the meantime, I just need to find stupid shit to occupy my time.
Like writing here...
7:23 p.m. - 2014-10-28
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