Shared a couple of texts with GRJ last night; basic stuff about what's been going on, etc. I mentioned that I'd been staying in for the last few weeks & made a comment about really being over things that include drinking, like going to shows, etc. She said she was too, even relating to her derby group, which she's always loved to work with. I told her we'd have to sit & brainstorm some ideas for new things to do that don't involve drinking/drunks, so we can meet some new, cool people. She invited me to be her "date" next month at the wedding of a couple old friends of hers "from way back". I don't typically like weddings, but it might be good to get out & do something different, and maybe I'll meet some interesting new people.
KW & I hung out again Saturday night, had a few drinks. She ended up getting pretty drunk (moreso than I'd realized) and it was difficult to get her to go back in her house at the end of the night. Pretty frustrating, honestly. The next day, I asked her if she's still want to hang out with me if I decided to quit drinking again. I'm going to, regardless, but it was also a way to see if she might lighten up on her drinking as well, when we hang out. We're not being physical at all with each other anymore, aside from maybe hand-holding, etc. which is ok with me, but I'm not sure I can handle her emotional releases when she gets really drunk. She tells me things about her past that make me really mad (at the people who did those things to her - she's suffered some serious physical/mental abuse), but I can't do anything about it, and all it does is get me worked up/stressed out & I hate feeling like that when there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know what to do about it - part of me wants to just cut things off so I don't have to deal with the drama, but another part of me wants to keep the friendship, because aside from those issues, she's really cool & I like her a lot. Of course, if I'm honest, there's still a small part of me that wants to get back to the physical side of things too, but I know that's probably a big mistake.
I was thinking this weekend about the last few women I've dated/been involved with, and I see a pattern. I'm a "rescuer", I think that I'm drawn to women who need support and understanding, who've been through really rough times & who are somewhat more broken than most. GRJ lived homeless on the streets of Detr0it for a few years when she was 15, was involved in more than one abusive relationship (either physical or emotional), and if I remember correctly, tried to commit suicide when she was younger. (She was also a cutter when she was younger.) Even when she was married, she never had a supportive, envcouraging relationship, until we met.
Same with Viv. Physical/mental/emotional abuse from her step-mom since she was a child. We met when she was 19, so she didn't have any previous "bad" relationships, but she has a lot of psychological issues; OCD, ADD/ADHD, depression, and I'm pretty sure an undiagnosed psycopathy (she's an excellent liar/manipulator, and doesn't think anything of it). She's also been a cutter, and also attempted suicide, and ended up spending several months in a psychiatric ward after her attemp. She probably wouldn't have even gotten released, except she faked her way out, telling the doctor's what they wanted to hear. She even intentionally got pregnant by a guy she was dating that she didn't even want to be with, so that she could have a kid, and hit him up for shild support after she left him.
KW? Physical/emitional abuse by her brother since the time she was maybe 3-4 years old, until he left the house when she was 17. Had a father who had a medical condition which made him emotionally abusive to all his kids. Dated a couple guys who were physically abusive to her (one who drew a gun on her - she didn't know it was an a1r-s0ft gun until he tossed it on the bed). This was the same guy who she found out had ch1ld p0rn on his computer. She's a cutter also, and has the most scarring I've ever seen from it. Has attempted suicide before as well. Also has been dealing with bullying/getting beat up in school from the time she was a young kid, due to her medical condition (alopecia universalis, among a few others). I really do want to be her friend/help her, but I don't know how much I can do. One good thing though, is that she told me last week that she's made an appointment to talk with a psychiatrist again. I hope she does, and I hope it can help her. She's on a bunch of medications right now too, and when she combines it with drinking, it just really fucks her up. Hopefully, this new doc can review her meds & get her something else that might work better.
I was thinkng, the only somewhat normal woman I've dated was CC, and we all know how that went. Maybe, aside from the fact that I was having so many personal issues at the time, I shut myself off from her because I knew she was strong and didn't need me/need to be "rescued"? Man, what I wouldn't give to either see her again, or meet someone like her again. I think I need to get away from these types that I tend to be drawn to, but I guess, what other type are you going to meet at bars/drinking parties, right? I wish I knew how to go about meeting a new type of people/crowd...
Man, I'm a little uneasy right now. I've got to sit & think about whether to post this entry. I'm a little uncomfortable exposing so much of my exes' lives, but I think it's necessary for me to see the pattern, and hopefully to remember. I think maybe I'm just too patient/nice to cut things off when I see big red flags. Or maybe it's because I've been so alone for so long, that I'm willing to put up with these things in order to have some companionship? That makes me sad about myself, but at least if I see it, I can try to correct it, right?
Right. Well, going to post this anyway. Hopefully I can find a way to meet new people, and learn to not get involved with such troubled women in the future.
1:02 p.m. - 2014-09-22
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