Well...
Went to meet my ma at the b-day thing, to meet her stylist, and my "bio-cousin" who's dating her. I really don't know what to think, or how to react now - I feel a bit...confused? No, that's not right. Perplexed, maybe?
It was really odd, because when I walked in, I could tell right away which one he was at the table (there were probably 12-15 people there, half were guys) even before I noticed my ma talking to him. (Also, it turns out, a girl I went to high-school with knows that group too, which was kind of a surprise). I thought we actually looked somewhat alike. Ma & I stood with the two of them for most of the 30-45 minutes we were there, with her asking a bunch of questions I would have been too shy/reserved to ask (but surreptitiously heard anyway). Every so often he'd pick up his phone (I realized later he was texting his dad, my "bio-uncle" about the meeting,) Bio-cousin (BC for now) every so often would show us a pic of his dad & uncles that he'd pull off (what I assume was) facespace. He didn't have any of Bio-dad (henceforth BD), which it turns out was one of the reasons he was writing his dad. BC's dad eventually sent an old pic of BD, and at first, I didn't see the resmblance, but my ma said she got goose-bumps, because I looked so much like him. On second glance, I saw she was pretty right. Even BC was a bit shocked at how similar we looked! His g/f (hairdresser) when she saw the pic, declared us "un-officially, officially related!"
BC seems to be a lot like me, laid-back, mellow but fun (shut up, I can be fun sometimes!). ;-) In fact, it was a bit odd - I found myself looking at him fairly often (well, moreso than I typically do with most people), because he just seemed so familiar. Truthfully, it was a bit unsettling, but not in an awful way or anything. I guess that's why I feel so out-of-sorts, I'm still not sure what to make of it all!? Ma suggested we should exchange info to keep in touch, but I was still feeling a bit odd. The interesting thing to me was that he acted the way I would if I could tell someone was uncomfortable, and didn't say anything at first (like I said, laid-back, no pressure kind of guy). I said to BC that maybe ma could get the info to hairdresser, and he said, yeah sure, since they started this whole thing! (and not in a sarcastic, but a very friendly way) and we laughed about it, which was pretty cool.
He seemed genuinely pleased to meet me, and not at all uncomfortable with the situation, which was my big concern. I wanted to exchange numbers right then, but I knew I needed some time to sit with all of this "newness", to see how I really feel about it all. Part of me is really excited to hang out with him, to get to talk, and maybe meet the rest of that family, see how alike we all might be. Another part of me is thinking that really, it's no big deal if I never run into him again, because I've always told myself that I don't have a driving need to know my bio-family. Yet another part of me is honestly a bit scared. Not for me, but I think I actually felt some kind of a connection there, and the fact that I don't feel that with my ma (or any of my family really, save one) makes me afraid of pursuing any friendship with them, for fear of hurting her if I do connect with them. I know she'd be happy if I hit it off with them, but I also know her, and I think inside, she'd be devastated at the thought of me feeling something for them & not her. Does that make sense? I almost think it would be better/safer for my ma, emotionally, if I didn't talk to them much more, even if she didn't understand why.
Maybe the connection part has little to do with biology, and more to do with the concept of "I have a brother" (even though he's a cousin, the feeling was more like a sibling relationship to me. It still weirds me out!)? I only grew up with one sister, and my dad wasn't really much of one, so I didn't have any "men-folk" in my life. (Apparently, BD never had kids, and never married, as he died in a car accident sometime before he turned 30.) I guess his brothers did though, so there might be more cousins to meet eventually, too!?
Man, I'm still kind of all-over about this. I hope I can sleep tonight. Although now that I think about it, I haven't been sleeping well at all this month anyway. Ok, then, I hope it's not worse!
Just... Ugh. I don't like this feeling, whatever it is. Going to have to watch some mind-numbing tv/movie to get my mind off of this.
9:20 p.m. - 2014-01-22
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