I had a sad thought today as I was sitting in the pub. I've been going there regularly on the weekends for a while now, as they've got great lunch specials (and I have a crush on one of the waitresses - yeah, big surprise, I know! *rollseyes* At least I'm able to talk to her & she enjoys seeing me when I come in!).
Anyway, as I was sitting there, I saw a buddy of mine who's up there quite often as well, to watch football. He's always there hanging out with his dad, and at first, I thought it was really cool, but that quickly turned to sadness, because my dad's been gone for so long (passed back in 1990). Although I understand his decision, I really wish he could have stayed around to see me grow up. Or at least have had a chance to see me as an adult. What's sadder than that though, is that I saw how he lived his life after my parents got divorced - he became bitter, angry, anti-social and reclusive to most everyone but his closest friends, at least, the ones who stayed in town, and there weren't many of them. He lived a dull, repetitive life, going to work & coming home, going to the same places for meals, for drinks, etc. He was a regular everywhere. I remember when we'd occasionally go out for a meal together, we'd walk into a place, and they'd have his table set & ready, with a cup of coffee there, and his order already on the grill. Back then, I thought that was really cool, but now, I see just how pitiful it was.
How sad to have no life, no real friends; the people who know you the best being waitstaff!? Even though he had children, he completely distanced himself from us because he disliked my mother so much, so he really had no family. He only dated a few women after the divorce, but they never lasted a year, and the older he got, the more withdrawn he became.
I wrote an entry a week or so ago (which I almost immediately deleted) about how similar my life has turned out compared to his. Granted, I'm not an antisocial bastard, but I *am* really introverted, and the result is quite comparable. I spend all of my time in my house, and when I do go out, it's just to a pub/restaurant to get a meal, or to a bar for some drinks & seeing a band or two. I go to work and come home alone, I go out alone, and come home alone. I've only really dated maybe three/four women (only two of which were long-term). The only friends I have locally are bar friends who never contact me to meet up, or come over, or hang out.
The part I wrote the other night was that I'm coming up on being his age when he died, and it made me wonder if my life is going to parallel his, especially considering I've had issues with almost constant depression since I was in single digits, and I really have no support system around here for the times when I'm struggling. I can't rely on my family for reasons I don't want to get into, and my insurance doesn't cover my psychiatrist anymore, and I can't justify paying $120/hr just to talk to a stranger.
I don't plan on going anywhere, but it really makes me wonder why I'm still here, and why I bother putting any effort into life. Decades of solitude & a lack of purpose, or anything resembling true happiness, is not an enticement to live a long life. I've been hoping for that "when you least expect it" moment to happen, but it never does. There's no reason to assume that will change either.
I guess, at least for now, it's good that I enjoy my motorcycle, and my weight lifting. At least those are two things I look forward to. I wonder how old I'll be by the time I find something else?
10:51 p.m. - 2013-12-15
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