I'm having a hard time wanting to stay friends with a couple of my exes. With GRJ, it's pretty much that whenever she needs an ear/shoulder/what-have-you, I'm always around for her, but when I need some support, she always finds a way to bail (whether it's a legitimate reason or not), or she'll cancel plans we've already made. I can understand that things happen, and that sometimes, getting together just can't work, but it seems a lot more like every time now. The only time I seem to hear from her is when things are shitty with her & the OM.
Speaking of that, Viv contacted me again. Haven't heard from her in months, and she wrote me a message on facespace. I knew something was up right away - the only time she used to contact me was when, just like GRJ, she was having problems with her guy. Turns out, she's moving out into her own place. Go figure. Can't be arsed to contact me when things are going well...
Why do I hang on to these "friendships"? With Viv, it was always because I thought she was so fragile mentally, having already made a couple attempts at suicide, and I didn't want to feel like I was the one "responsible" if she tried and succeeded, when I might have been the one person who could have helped. I already feel that guilt about my father, which makes me feel that way about anyone I know who has tried/succeeded. It's not my responsibility anymore. I want to be there for people, but it would be nice to have some reciprocation, especially when I get to feeling down myself. One way streets suck, and I'm about ready to just stop replying to them, delete their numbers & contact info on facespace & be done with it.
Thing is, they're really the only two people who know me very well, and the thought of having *nobody* to turn to, even if they suck at being supportive, is a very daunting prospect. Sure, I have friends online I could turn to, but when I'm bummed out, typing just feels way too detached, and even though it helps some, it usually ends up making me feel even more isolated and alone.
I'm trying to stay positive, but between the exes being selfish in their interpretation of "friendship", and other "dating" disappointments (dating in quotes due to lack of actual "dates"), on top of my rather pitiful desire to stay in contact with CC even though she's the worst at being a friend (haven't heard from her in 6 weeks now), it just seems like more than I can handle sometimes, while still remaining positive.
I've thought about moving, but I don't know that this would change anything - my lack of close friends is more likely a character flaw than a geographic problem. If I were to move somewhere else, I'd still be me, and I'd still be sad about being alone. I've had this debate with myself before; can a person truly be happy in emotional solitude? Or could a person live with having maybe one or two emotional connections, without physicality? And how would one even separate the two? I don't seem to be able to make an emotional connection without wanting physicality, and I tend to not want a physical relationship with someone if I can't see/feel the possibility of a deeper connection. And the whole concept of platonic emotional intimacy makes no sense to me, which is likely why I don't have any close male friends. Maybe if I was in a supportive relationship, I could learn how to be good friends with people. Of course, it's been years since I've been able to share anything related to happiness, and I'd be afraid to open up about my struggle with depression, for fear that I would alienate people. I mean, I know I'm a mess, but I don't really want others to know that, even though I'm quite sure it's a lot more obvious than I like to think it is.
Ok, brain hurts. No more writing.
(still working on the rest of the England trip entries)
8:15 p.m. - 2013-11-04
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