Two topics today...
1st, yesterday I mentioned having something I need to work out about Vivian - here's the deal; this new guy she's seeing has an illness that's going to bring him to my state for treatment. Viv is going to come back with him, and asked me a question about that. "I know it's awkward" she said, "but I thought I'd ask if I might be able to stay with you for a few weeks?" She made a point to say that she could find something else, but she wanted to ask anyway. My guess is that she doesn't want to be alone while she's here, because he'll be staying with his parents during treatment.
This has really thrown me for a loop - I mean, we've been talking again online for a while now, and things seem pretty good, friendship-wise. Part of me wants to say yes, because 1) it would really be nice to have some company, especially one with whom I've been comfortable in the past. (I say past, because of something I'll get to in a minute...) 2) she offered to help me get stuff done around the house, like painting, drywall, etc, and it would be good to have someone to work with, to help get me motivated. 3) it might make me a little extra money - not sure, but I think she might offer a little for the stay. 4) I'm goddamned lonely, and it would be a comfort to be able to have someone in my bed for a change, someone I could be physically close to without having to worry about "relationship" issues.
On the other hand, I have several concerns/worries. 1) I've been really bummed out recently, and seeing her again (and hearing about her new relationship) might just push me further down, because I don't have that with someone, 2) she had such anger towards me a while back about what we went through, blaming me for all of her pain (whether warranted or not is irrelevant) that I'm kind of weirded out by how much her moods seem to swing, and what if she flips out & decides to kill me in my sleep or something!? lol 3) several times in the past, she's made mention of wanting to have my child, and I'm afraid that if she were to stay, she might try to take advantage of the situation (and me) in order to get that. Yes, I realize I could just "say no" but I haven't been with anyone since she & I broke up, and in my current mental state, I don't know that I could turn it down. 4) I don't really know how much I can trust her - I mean, there's just something about her that makes me nervous to let back into my life, any moreso than just online, or maybe meeting for a drink if she's in town or soemthing.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like it would be unwise to have her stay. That's my logical side, and I usually listen to it, but damn, it would be nice to have some company, and maybe a little physical affection for a change... No, I think it's best if she doesn't stay. We can meet up to hang out for a bit while she's here (she's offered to take me clothes shopping to help me try out some new styles that might suit me!) but I think I should just keep a bit of distance from now on, but then again... ugh, I don't know!? Could really use some outside perspective, if anyone would care to offer their thoughts on the situation. Please?
On a different note, I had something both good and bad at the same time, happen last night. Woke up in the middle of the night with a killer headache, the same kind that floored me those couple weeks when I had the really bad hangovers. I got up, took some ibuprofen, cracked my neck several ways, and did some accupressure, and it finally subsided enough for me to get back to sleep about an hour later. I'm dragging ass today, but it tells me something interesting - that it might not be entirely the drinking that's causing those horrible hangovers; maybe it really is the bed/pillows I'm using!? Of course, this kind of throws a wrench into things, because sleeping well is one of the most important things there is for good health. So now, do I go ahead and look for a new bed first? I'm leaning towards it, although eating healthy is also important, and a new kitchen would greatly help in that respect. Fuck. I don't know what to do. If I were like my brother-in-law, I could just spend a week or two doing all of it & putting the new furniture/appliances on my credit card so as not to have to decide between them, but I suck at self-motivation (which goes back to one of the Viv issues). Of course, if I'm going to buy a new bed, I should probably paint the room first so I don't get paint all over everything, but then, not only will I have to buy the new bed/frame, but all of the linens, pillows, and even new blinds, which means I can't put the plastic insulation up on them yet.
Grr.
10:29 a.m. - 2011-11-29
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