Just got back from hanging out with the ex, and it was actually pretty nice. She gave me a great big hug when I saw her, which really surprised me. We went out for lunch at a local mexican place we used to frequent, and talked about what's been happening nwith each other. It was pleasant, and not at all uncomfortable, which again, I was surprised to find.
After lunch we still felt like hanging out, so we went to the local mall, and just walked around, window-shopped, & talked some more. I told her about my sis, her new kid, the one on the way, and the Gambler & her kid on the way. She was shocked to hear about them. It struck me right then, (and I actually said it out loud) that I was "being left behind". The ex is pregnant, and soon to be married, my hairdresser (whom I've had a crush on forever) is having her second kid, my sis has one, with one on the way, and the Gambler, as I mentioned. They all have someone, and will be raising families soon, if not already, and I haven't had a date in almost two years.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not wanting to have kids all of a sudden - I don't want a traditional family at all. I do, however, get discouraged when I think of all of the relationships I've had, and the fact that, yet again, here I am, alone, as always. I'm really happy for them all, and I had a great time talking with the ex today (she even invited me to come out their way if I had some vacation time), but this all just seems to reinforce to me that I have some kind of major psychological problem. Why is it that everyone else I know seems to find happiness with such apparent ease, and I can't? I know the reason, the answer, is somewhere in my fucked-up head, but I am who I am, and it seems to me that, if I haven't found anyone, there must be a reason. Part of me accepts that, and understands, yet it still makes me sad.
I think the part that got me the most was how tight her hugs were today. There was meaning, intent of some kind, behind them, and I haven't felt that in ages. It just made me realize how much I miss holding someone.
Gah! I'm such a sad-sack... Man up, ya pansy! :rolleyes:
2:52 p.m. - 2009-12-19
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